Combination of My 8th Out of 30 Days of Kink & a Journal Prompt for Subs & Slaves

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<;;;Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic:

First let me say, it is REALLY, REALLY difficult to find erotic pictures of interracial couples & DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to find interracial BDSM pictures (if your not looking for a black guy & white girl. I did however manage to find several erotic pictures (; !

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What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

There are a bunch of things that I’d like to change about my sexual attitudes and thoughts, but I guess the biggest thing I’d like to change is the guilt I feel in regards to any pleasure I receive from sex. The guilt does not stop me from participating in and enjoying sexual activities, it waits to kick in after my multiple orgasms.
Through BDSM, I’ve been able to search within myself and figure out where the guilt comes from (damn Doms/Masters, always pushing that honest and open communication 😉 ). While I often feel embarrassed, ashamed & shy whenever I’m discussing my sexual fantasies & desires w/a Dom, I do like the fact that I know where these hang-ups stem from.
I’d also like to get everyone who’s been judgmental in some way about my sexuality’s, voice out of my head. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in some fantasy world where I don’t observe the news, commercials/ads, and of course gossip. But in all actuality the most damaging forces to my sexual attitudes and thoughts, are/were my parents. I know what you’re thinking, I’m an adult & I need to get over it. While my father is no longer alive, I can still hear & see everything that happened the first time he said

You’re going to be a whore on welfare when you grow up. Nobody will want you; maybe I should shot kill you & kill myself, think what that would do to your mother!

I’m doing better, in that I recognize that my dad was a fucked up man who must’ve been in a lot of pain. It’s amazing how one analyzes things, when the other person is no longer alive.
My mom’s contribution is much more recent. When my husband called my mom & told her I was calling some “perv” (his words, not mine) Master, and that said guy was calling me his slave, it was not a fun conversation.
The first thing she said was,”Is it true?”
When I told her that it was indeed true, she told me that I needed to get some help. I can understand where she’s coming from in a sense; this is after-all a woman was born in a segregated New Orleans. The same woman who once followed my bus all the way to my high school to find out if I was forced to sit in the back of the bus.
I managed to curb my need to laugh and replied, ” Mom, all of the cool kids sit in the back.”
So there’s a part of me that’s empathetic to her feelings and what she had to go through growing up. However, I still can’t get past her saying that I needed help. It’s been over a year, and we now talk on a somewhat regular basis, but I’ll NEVER be as close to my mother as I once was.
I’d like to get to the point where the words she said no longer hurt me. I want to get to the point where I don’t feel embarrassed & somewhat ashamed, when if I were ever brave enough to share m y
Sexual Bucket List with a Dom. I want to be strong enough to say that I’m bisexual, like to have my ass spanked, live for the moment when a Dom tells me to cum & just don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about my sexual activities. I’m not there yet, but maybe there’s a Dom who can spank and fuck the guilt, shame and embarrassment I feel after sex….well, isn’t that kind of like Pavlov’s conditioning 😉

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3 thoughts on “Combination of My 8th Out of 30 Days of Kink & a Journal Prompt for Subs & Slaves

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