Is it possible to fall back in love?

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I’ve been wrestling with this question for at least a month now; I am not sure if it’s possible, but with each day it fades a little more. I don’t blame him for everything, I’m a completely different person than when we met. I’m no longer the 18 yr old pregnant girl who’s biggest requirement in a partner was that he never hit me, or my child. To that end, he has absolutely lived up to that end of the deal. Unfortunately, the woman that I’ve become wants to be spanked, have nipple clips/clothespins, be bound, flogged….I’m sure you get the picture.
But this isn’t the reason that my love for him has faded, (well there is one somewhat related thing)it’s the things that he’s said to me, said to a family member, and has required of me. He’s changed, as well. When I told him that I had a class in the building where I was raped, and would have to ride in the elevator where the rape occurred (due to my disability)his response was to ask if I was going to drop out of school. Then he went on to remind me then, and several times throughout the year that we needed my student loan money.
When I started discussing BDSM, he seemed okay and was willing to try things. Well, he agreed to spank me one night but after about five gentle swats he quit. The next morning when I asked him what he thought about what we’d done the night before, he seemed pretty disgusted. I felt guilty; here was a man whose non-aggressive qualities were what attracted me to him, and I was trying to make him ” hit & hurt” me.
I MAD A BAD DECISION.After that night, my need for a D/s relationship grew; finally, I’d found something that allowed me to feel comfortable & safe exploring my sexuality!!!! Unfortunately, I was able to do this through an online/phone relationship. My husband flipped out, and I don’t blame him for that; he wanted me to stop all contact immediately, and I didn’t. I take complete blame for searching for someone outside of my marriage, I had a choice & I chose one that hurt my husband.
The next move, was played by him. He called my (African American/raised in segregated New Orleans/and lived in Watts during the riots) mother; he told her that I was talking to some pervert online. Then he told her,” She’s calling this pervert Master, and he’s calling her slave!”
As you can probably guess, things did not go well. In fact, my relationship with my mother will never be the same. My mom said she didn’t want to have to choose between m husband and me. I told her she shouldn’t have to choose since she was my mother. I didn’t speak to her for about four months, and even now I won’t tell her anything that’s truly personal/important.
He eventually apologized, saying that he was mad and would take things back if he could. He can’t take it back, and I can’t forget it. I did go to did meet with a therapist that I still see.Even she says that I’ve done everything I can, he has to make the next step.
He and I are both in graduate school, but somehow that excuses him from paying attention to anything outside of his job and school. One day I was getting ready to go to the doctor, I was sitting next to him as I put my shoes on. As I went to leave I said good bye ; he didn’t acknowledge me until I actually said good bye to myself. Then he had the audacity to say that his dyslexia prevented him from noticing when I was talking to him.
Recently, we sat down and he told me that he’s not going to pay attention to me for the next year. He told me that he’d made sacrifices for me, and I was going to have to make the sacrifice of basically having no partner for the next year. I just sat there; I honestly don’t remember if I responded to him when he said that. But, I’ve made sacrifices for him as well. I actually agreed to move back to a town that I’d repeatedly said that I didn’t want to live in for a good 14 years. Not only that, but I’d always said that if I did move here I wanted to live on the other side of the county from my father.
Here’s the sacrifice that I made, not only did I move to the town but my husband moved us into a house that four houses down the street from my dad. This is the man who at one point abused so badly they removed me from my parents’ home. Then my husband would come tell me horrible things that my dad would say, then “realize” he shouldn’t have told me. He actually told me that in order to overcome my negative feelings, I should spend more time with my dad. It eventually got to the point that my night terrors were horrible. By the time we moved, my girls knew to hide when my dad knocked on the door. By December of that year, my father and I were no longer speaking because my husband was tired of my dad. When my dad died last fall, I hadn’t talked to him for nine months. I do partially blame my husband for this, when I didn’t live in the same town my dad and I had a relationship.THAT’S THE SACRIFICE THAT I MADE, I’VE GOT NO RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENT (that’s still alive) AND MY DAD‘S DEAD!
Yes, I still want a D/s relationship….it’s not even a want, it’s what I need to feel complete. No, I cannot submit to him….I don’t trust him with my emotional well being, I don’t even like being in the same room as him. He’s mentioned wanting to have sex, I’m taking full advantage of my need to recuperate from my surgery in May. Recently, he has said several hurtful things…and I’ve realized that I’m no longer in love with him.
Unfortunately, I can’t make it financially without him & honestly, I don’t think he can make it financially on his own either. So, I can’t leave. But, I don’t know how I can fall back in love with him again. He won’t put in effort to make things better, and I am just plain tired. SO, IF ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE….DROP ME A LINE…I’ll read it, even though I think it’s already to late.

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14 thoughts on “Is it possible to fall back in love?

  1. I will say that, yeah, you can fall back in love with someone if you can remember what made you fall in love with them in the first place… or learn to love them the way they are now. Yes, you pretty much shot yourself in both feet being with a non-aggressive man while having the need to immerse yourself into the D/s culture of pleasure – that usually doesn’t go well (as you’ve discovered) and then word of your “perversion” gets out – makes shit worse.

    What I’d have to ask you – and I’ve asked this of another woman I know who’s into D/s – is which means the most to you – your husband or your fetish? The other woman I know had a hard time getting her non-aggressive hubby to accommodate her as well and had a similar situation to yours and, well, I can only say that she had a difficult time reconciling her needs with what her hubby was willing to do.

    Maybe – just maybe – you need to take a step back and reevaluate things so you can once more be in love with your husband, not as much for the things you want him to do but for what he’s able to do and then move forward from there? Maybe you’re aware of this but you’re in a place that most men are taught to never go to for any reason; you try to get them to that place and there will be resistance and other behaviors that’ll make you unhappy with him and the more you try to push him there, the “worse” he’s gonna be about it. Sure, you could find yourself a D… but take a moment and try to look at it from his point of view. As a man, I know I would feel “separated” from you because you need me to do things I’m not really comfortable with and if you’ve turned to someone else for this, well, what are you keeping me around for? In this, one of the worst things you can do to a man is to make him feel useless to you.

    I don’t know if this’ll help you but it’s something to think about. I’ve said that it’s not that people make mistakes – it’s how they recover from them that matters.

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  2. It’s really not the D/s that is making things bad, if he treated me like I mattered that would go a long way. When the shit first hit the fan, I tried whole heartedly to work things out; I started therapy to deal with the PTSD and all the other shit. We were both going to at least go to marriage counseling; I gave him lists of counselors several times, he didn’t have the time for it, just like he didn’t have the time to even send me a text throughout the day. I honestly haven’t gotten past him calling my mom, and maybe if the hurtful things had stopped but they really haven’t. He’s become even more insensitive, he has made it clear that I’m not a priority in his life. If he can be caring and empathetic with his clients but not with me no thanks; I feel like my relationship with him is like the one I had w/my mother growing up. They were both always there for their clients but not for me when I really needed them. Part of the problem is that I think that I was in love with the fact that I was physically safe. You can only talk to someone and have them not pay attention so many times, then you just quit talking.

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    • That’s pretty rough and you have my sympathies in this. Counseling might help but I’ve seen where this has made men more indifferent and perhaps rethinking the whole relationship could be in order; some would say that it makes no sense being in a relationship with someone who, basically, doesn’t give a damn about you. If you can talk to him about this – and you want to stay in the marriage with him – then I’d say you need to find out what would change his attitude toward you in all of this – then decide what needs to be done afterward. Of import would be finding out why he feels the way he does – that could be painful but it’s something you need to know. Would he change his mind? Can he? If not, well, I’m sorry but I don’t see what recourse you’d have if he’s absolutely, positively set you aside for other things he deems important – and I can’t see it because I don’t know you like that.

      I wouldn’t give up until I’ve done all that I can do because if I did have to walk away, at least I’d know I did all I could think of to keep things together.

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  3. You’d think a therapist would be more willing to go to therapy,lol….and yes, I even found people we could see who weren’t inThe area where he works. I think he’s depressed and has been since we moved here, but again he won’t do anything about it. I’ve done things that he wanted me to do in order to make him happy, and I still listen to what he has to say even though he ignores me.

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    • Actually, I wouldn’t think that because while he probably knows something is wrong, he doesn’t think anything’s wrong – kinda funny how that happens. Just my two cents worth but I think you need to get at the root of this – what’s depressing him, etc.; you can’t fix it if you don’t know what’s broken. I can really only repeat myself and say to you that if you still love and need him in your life, you need to find out what’s going on inside his head – if he’ll tell you. I know that if I had to have this conversation with my baby, I would ask her what do WE have to do to make things right again for US.

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    • Well, no – you can’t go back to angry (Simon didn’t say you could) – you need to think so no giving into fear (you need a note and you’re not getting one) or other negative emotions. You seem to be an intelligent woman – work the problem!

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