Even Now

Even now, my heart aches and I can feel the pain in the back of my throat….but the tears in my eyes never fall
It is because of times like this, the one’s that remind me how fucking stupid I am sometimes, I mean really why should I care about anyone
I hate when I feel this way… that’s the whole problem, I feel things to deeply…..I wish that I was at a different point in my life, and I could just take the knife, paper clip, tab on a coke and even an eraser….and i could cause the physical pain that would make all of the emotional shit go away
I always cared too much. I’d say maybe I cared about the wrong people, but all people can be evil…I wish that I could write erotica, or even the YA series that I’ve got mapped out. But every fucking time I write, or at least the times when I have the compulsion to write and can’t sleep until I’ve purged everything….it’s about this shit.
My professor said I need to write my stories, but really who wants to read about a damaged woman’s fucked up life? Yeah, I’ve done amazing things like travel to Japan and overcome quadriplegia…but most of the things in my life involve pain, abuse, heartache…..spare me.

5 thoughts on “Even Now

  1. Such anguish… and you might be surprised at who’d read whatever you wrote. Writing could purge your devils… and maybe even help someone else deal with their own demons. Why care about people? Well, by your own admission, it’s the kind of person you are unless there’s a reason you should stop caring about people, keep caring… but maybe rid yourself of those people who cause you to feel the way you do with these latest writings. Or, if ya can’t get rid of them, maybe you need to wall yourself off from them so that this… this pain can’t be awakened unbidden.

    I have no answers but I can’t stand to see people hurting…

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    • Sorry, I hate to make anyone feel bad…I guess the fact that I almost cried is a step in the right direction. It’s been doing a lot of reflection today, I knew that I was angry and hurt but not the specific things that were causing the pain.
      Part of the problem, is that the person who hurt me the most did some pretty amazing things. There are a lot of people who liked and respected this person, but because they only saw this person’s public persona. And, I do love this person and also believe some of the things they did were amazing. I want them to receive the credit for those things; unfortunately, the other things still cause me problems.
      I have been trying to work on forgiveness, it’s hard…lol.
      Believe it or not, I am actually more hurt by the person who should’ve protected me but didn’t.

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      • Before you can help someone else, you must first be able to help yourself. I understand that you have to heal… but you must and it will not be easy. It happened and, sure, if you had it to do all over again, it probably would not have happened… which changes nothing. If the person who hurt you this badly is dead, they can’t hurt you any more – you’re letting the memory of it all continue to hurt you and while you’ll probably never forget it, why keep dwelling on it? In this, you’re living in the past and not in the here and now; maybe your protector should have protected you – he/she didn’t and that, too, is in the past.

        To forgive someone else, you must forgive yourself first and finding forgiveness in your heart is a difficult thing to do under the circumstances; yet, this is something you must do; otherwise, it will always eat you alive. You cannot change what happened – but you do not – and should not – let that keep fucking with you if you truly wish to move on with your life.

        The big question is what is it going to take for you to get over this and not let the ghosts of the past keep disrupting your life? There are plenty of people who can help you with this (as you already know) – but only you can take the necessary steps or, as Morpheus said to Neo, “I can only show you the door – you have to step through it.”

        Or something like that – wise words just the same.

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  2. My posts are about a combination of people, and a combination of events. One which occured yesterday, and was the trigger for the pain. I AM working on it, I just started a new therapy technique for people who have experienced trauma, last week. Generally,I am a happy go lucky kinda gal…how many 17 yr old girls could go bald to their prom, the answer is not many. I did & had a blast, it was the first time after being a quadriplegic that I didn’t use any Assistive device. I had shoulder surgery a month ago, because both of my shoulder joints are dying. I don’t bitch & complain; so the chemo & steroids caused this, but hell I am able to walk. I have MS, I hurt every second of the day but I rarely complain. Yes, I am in pain right now (emotionally) for several reasons & my posts are probably depressing right now….BUT, a year ago I would’ve found a place on my body that no one would notice & I would’ve cut myself. That’s they way that I always dealt with emotional pain, I could control the cut & if I’m taking care of the cut then I’m not feeling the pain.
    So while it may not seem like it, I really have come a long way……

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