I Thought You Were Different, But I Was Wrong

fuck

fuck (Photo credit: shellehs)

I don’t want you to feel responsible for me; hell, no one’s done that since before 1993
All I have to do is close my heart off more to the world
For some reason, I let myself believe that you would be different; you were for awhile, you were my rock
But then one day you moved me to my personal hell; still, I was supportive of you
You didn’t even notice that my soul  was fading away
You threw me into the arms of my abuser, but that wasn’t even enough pain for you
Why would you tell me the stories where he laughed about the way I suffered; the answer must be because you love me
After all, that’s what I know of love; actually, you hadn’t hurt or torn me down nearly enough to love me, yet
It’s got to be something pretty big to out do the bat that was shattered on my back
Perhaps, somehow I made an involuntary movement and you took that as my throwing the gauntlet down
It’s your turn to etch pain into my soul, but it’s got to be something really painful to get through all the scar tissue around my heart
Do you think you can do it; do you have it within you to tear me down and rip me to shreds
I was mistaken, you did indeed have it within you to darken my heart
But, unlike all the other people that i’ve ever loved, I gave you the tools to hurt me
I trusted you, and that was my biggest mistake; I allowed myself to believe that I was lovable
Or maybe my biggest mistake, was thinking that for some reason my love was valuable
By this point in life I should’ve known that my love had no value, that in fact I had no value
When something is valuable it is treated with great care, steps are taken to make sure valuable things remain unbroken
Steps like a parent protecting a child when the other parent is hurting them; instead you were worried about who paid the bills
Bitch, I am the one who paid the bill

I’m the one that he broke the bat on, because I was trying to protect you

Now, you are somehow miraculously unable to remember any of the incidents of abuse that occurred under your watch

You even said that you were never scared of him until you left; it must’ve been someone else screaming for help that December morning
Don’t you see, my value decreased EVERY-TIME that you chose a man over me
You carved out the chunks of my heart every single time you promised to be there to protect me, but showed up late
It was easy for me to stay with a guy who would threaten to kill himself if I didn’t have sex with him, hell at least he had some feelings for me
It didn’t bother me at the time that I let him hurt me so that I’d have a place to stay; he wasn’t supposed to love me, you were
What did you think would happen to my soul; did you think i’d suddenly figure out how to love myself
I learned how to survive, that I’d make it through any abuse or hardship that was placed in my path
A fact that managed to seep into your pathetic brain, you’ve acknowledge my strength in overcoming the trials that I faced
That’s not completely true, perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that you’ve noticed my “strength” in the face of medical adversaries
I guess i should be thankful for that acknowledgment, lord knows you seem to have forgotten anything else that i did over the last 37 years
I don’t blame you, how could I…I was raised to believe everything bad that occurred was my fault
Did you even realize that as I cried at HIS funeral, I was crying because I’d realized that I was totally alone in the world now
I know, I’m fucked up
I was sad because a man who caused my PTSD is dead, and suddenly I realize that there is no longer anyone in my immediate family that loves me
The most perverse part of the situation is that even though HE beat the fuck out of me, deep down I knew HE loved me
I’ve been trained to believe that even the few fucked up moments of love from HIM, was better than to have no love at all
I sit here and all I can think of are the ways that the people that I loved and trusted the most, have betrayed me
My heart is filled with pain and sadness now, as I sit here pondering my marriage
For even he, was a participant in the scraping of my heart
I can’t get past the betrayal that occurred last year, at this point i don’t even know if it’s possible
I do know that: you hurt me, ruined both of my parental relationships, rejected me when I tried to discuss my desires to you, and betrayed me when you talked to my mom
I guess you must love me an awful lot; most of the other’s have only caused a crack in my heart
When you made your mark, you treated my heart like it was being swept up and battered in a tsunami
Guess what: I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO HANG ON TO A PIECE OF DRIFT WOOD WHILE KICKING MY FEET

2 thoughts on “I Thought You Were Different, But I Was Wrong

  1. I won’t say I understand, but I sympathize. I’ve done the bit where the romantic interest causes hurt after hurt and doesn’t get it. It’s not happy. And I’m sorry for you that you have to go through that.

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    • Thank you; I’ve been doing a lot of introspection over the last year and a half. I learned that I thought I’d gotten over a lot of the things that happened in my life, but really I just kept going. Last spring, the shit hit the fan…my PTSD was triggered. I discovered I was sexual submissive, my husband was less than thrilled. I started talking to someone online; he called my mother. I felt betrayed by the fact that he would call a woman whose been a horrible mother and tell on me; I was betrayed by her when she said she didn’t want to have to choose between the two of us. In my opinion that was choosing sides, I would never say that to my child. My relationship with her will NEVER be the same, and my relationship with him hasn’t either. There have been things said over the past few months that can’t be taken back. I guess it all just combines sometimes, and part of my PTSD is not feeling any of the emotions connected to any of the things….So, I guess it’s a good thing I’m pissed off today 😉 !

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