I’m kind of starting to go into mourning. Since I received my BA in Education in 2007, my husband and I have attended a four day music and arts festival, Bonnaroo. This year we will not be going; this year is probably the year that we need to go the most. You see, Bonnaroo has always been our child free getaway; it is the only time of the year that’s good to have Multiple Sclerosis, accessible camping is the closest camping area to the venue, and seating is in the same area as the VIP ticket holders. But, my husband and I were able to recharge our feelings of love for one another. With no kids to parent, we were able to relax & have fun, hold hands & kiss….and I was actually able to just lean on him and listen to the music. We even made sacrifices for one another, I listened to Ray LaMontagne (which ended up being okay), and he was willing to leave Buffalo Springfield (& yes, Neil Young was there) a little early so that I could see my crush…..EMINEM, yum!!!
This year were not going because he’s doing an internship for grad school, although he was going to purchase the tickets but decided to wait. I said I could get tickets & go with one of my BFF’s and my other friend’s son has wanted to go for years, and his mom said he could go once he was 18; he would’ve been able to load & unload my motorized cart. MS & hot ass Tennessee don’t always go very well together, as evidenced by missing the Boss because I was in the medical area one year. But my husband was upset that I would consider going without him, even though I am the one who is going to be stuck w/a tween & teen arguing, being hormonal,refusing to do chores, you know the normal things that occurr during summer break. Fortunately for my husband, he will be at work/internship at least six days a week.
I am going to miss being up at 4 and eating at Waffle House (and actually getting grits that are cooked the right way). I’m going to miss the way that his face lights up when he talks about the different bands/comedians that he wants to see. I’m missing the way that he would have ALL of our BONNAROO supplies packed into crates, the cart charged and tested and the items that we have purchased crossed off the shopping list; Bonnaroo is one of the few things that he got excited about, this is the weekend he would’ve started packing, and put all our drinks in the freezer so they would stay cold.
The only thing that’s in the freezer this year, is our relationship. Believe it or not, the hardening of my heart also involves Bonnaroo. My husband would ask me two times a week if I’d heard anything about my father’s death benefits. Then one day, the woman in charge of the case said that it had been processed. When I got off of the phone, I burst into tears; when she said it had been processed, it made me feel like things were just one step closer to my father being completely gone, like he neve existed.
My teen walked in on me crying;she offered to give me a hug, which has become her normal practice when she sees/or thinks that I’m upset with something that is related to my father, or father’s and grandfather’s in general. I hug her back, quit crying & let her know that I was okay. It’s funny that she’s a teen, but can figure out when I need to be comforted.
When my husband got home that day, I told him that they had processed my portion of the death benefits. Then I said that I’d started crying as soon as I hung up the phone. He didn’t ask if I was okay, or even try to figure out what had triggered it. He didn’t try nd comfort me in any way. In fact, he said: SO, DOES THAT MEAN YOU DON’T WANT TO BUY BONNAROO TICKETS WITH IT? I used the money to pay bills, fix a car that was hit last month, and but clothes, food and a futon for the house. But, that was one of the most uncaring things that he’s said to me, right up there with his: So are you gonna dropout of school response when I told him that I was going to have class in the building where I was raped.
Can I say for certain that Bonnaroo would’ve been the magic solver of our problems, or instantly healed the pain in my heart? NO! But, it probably would’ve been our best chance.







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