First Time

20120616-003510.jpgJapan), that I wasn’t with my husband or talking to him. He officially started staying at his place on Friday, and honestly, I felt kinda lost for part of the time. I started to doubt myself &began to question if I’d made the right decision to try and be on my own. I missed him & my children terribly; I felt like my heart was breaking. When my kids had to come by and grab things from the house, I held them tightly & told them how much I loved them, and that I missed them. I even missed my husband, even though we’ve not really been able to truly communicate for over a year. I missed knowing that he was upstairs from me.
However, I decided to really think about how I was feeling with regards to my husband. I missed him, but I missed him as a friend. I missed him as a co-parent, I didn’t miss him as a lover. When I masturbated, I didn’t picture him. I imagined being with Daddy, and the things he has said to me. I got wet thinking about him asking if his nbg’s ( naughty babygirl) pussy was wet for Daddy. I pictured him spanking my ass, and his fingers & tongue going in and out of my pussy between swats. I recalled him telling me that he’s going to take my pretty ass, as I’m bent over the bed for him. I was soaking wet. My nipples were like Hershey’s kisses, as I played with them. I came so fucking hard.
I knew I made the right decision, no matter how much I love my husband as a person I don’t feel that way about him sexually. When he makes sexual jokes it doesn’t turn me on; we don’t have the trust in one another that is needed to allow me to feels that way towards him. Is it possible that one day I’ll feel that way towards him, anything is possible. Right now, I feel like I have to take care of myself. I need to become more physically and emotionally healthy, and I know that I can’t do it as long as we’re together romantically. This week, I have a bariatric surgery consultation & I’ll find out which surgery my doctor recommends. I will be taking a big step towards healing, and I know it’s the right thing.