First Time

20120616-003510.jpgJapan), that I wasn’t with my husband or talking to him. He officially started staying at his place on Friday, and honestly, I felt kinda lost for part of the time. I started to doubt myself &began to question if I’d made the right decision to try and be on my own. I missed him & my children terribly; I felt like my heart was breaking. When my kids had to come by and grab things from the house, I held them tightly & told them how much I loved them, and that I missed them. I even missed my husband, even though we’ve not really been able to truly communicate for over a year. I missed knowing that he was upstairs from me.
However, I decided to really think about how I was feeling with regards to my husband. I missed him, but I missed him as a friend. I missed him as a co-parent, I didn’t miss him as a lover. When I masturbated, I didn’t picture him. I imagined being with Daddy, and the things he has said to me. I got wet thinking about him asking if his nbg’s ( naughty babygirl) pussy was wet for Daddy. I pictured him spanking my ass, and his fingers & tongue going in and out of my pussy between swats. I recalled him telling me that he’s going to take my pretty ass, as I’m bent over the bed for him. I was soaking wet. My nipples were like Hershey’s kisses, as I played with them. I came so fucking hard.
I knew I made the right decision, no matter how much I love my husband as a person I don’t feel that way about him sexually. When he makes sexual jokes it doesn’t turn me on; we don’t have the trust in one another that is needed to allow me to feels that way towards him. Is it possible that one day I’ll feel that way towards him, anything is possible. Right now, I feel like I have to take care of myself. I need to become more physically and emotionally healthy, and I know that I can’t do it as long as we’re together romantically. This week, I have a bariatric surgery consultation & I’ll find out which surgery my doctor recommends. I will be taking a big step towards healing, and I know it’s the right thing.

 

7 thoughts on “First Time

  1. I will, I know deep down that we need to be apart (at least for now). In the end, it wasn’t the BDSM that tore us apart, it was the lack/inability to communicate. I know he is hurt because he feels like he put so much into being there for me, and now I want to leave. Plus, he blames me for everything. I know that I was wrong to seek someone else, I take full responsibility for that…I WAS WRONG. However, he sees himself as completely without fault. I never got over him calling my mom to ‘tell on’ me. He thinks he was justified because I hurt him. He said I need to get past it because it was out of character for him. Once my trust was gone, the connection was gone. It’s not even trust, it’s deeper than that because I could’ve forgiven him for being with someone else. He knew that what he did would hurt me the most & that’s why he did it.
    It’s time for me to heal, now.

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