Every Monday, since July 22nd, I’ve felt the emptiness from my friend’s suicide. Randy, aka Vanilla Bean, was like a brother to me. He was part of a double suicide. At first it was reported as a murder suicide, and I knew that wasn’t possible. Ever since I met him when I was 16, he was someone who saved people. I know, because his love saved me. He was one of a handful of people who loved me unconditionally. Finally, last month the death certificate of his ex was changed to suicide.
He was worried about me leaving my ex, and my being able to afford a place to live. When I got the keys to my new place, it was like I could feel his worry easing. In the beginning, I felt like I failed him. The one time that he really needed me, I had surgery and was on medication for pain. I didn’t see his post on Facebook; if I’d seen it, I would’ve known something was wrong. I know it wasn’t my fault, and that I couldn’t have prevented his suicide if that’s what he really wanted to do.
God, I miss the fuck out of him! I can’t tell you how many times something funny has happened or that I’ve been scared and needed to feel his love, in the last 3 months, tomorrow. I’ve missed the way we teased and joked with one another through Facebook posts. Hell, I’ve missed him telling me to shut it. I’ve just missed knowing he was here.
Dancing in the Sky by Dani & Lizzy
I listen to this song all of the time, a friend who knew about the bond I had with Vanilla Bean, posted it to my wall on Facebook. It asks what it’s like in heaven, and then it says the following
Cause here on earth everything good is missing, since you left….and here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness.
I have felt that emptiness like a gaping hole in my heart, every Monday since Vanilla Bean’s death. Today, I noticed that the pain wasn’t quite as bad. Even though I miss him terribly, I was still able to feel the love I have for others & their love for me. I know that I will always miss him & that there will always be a place in my heart that only my ‘brother’ can fill, but I also know that I’m going to heal. I know tomorrow is going to be hard, since he’ll be gone for three months, but I also know that I’ll get through the day like he would want me to.