Looking Back

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After I finished writing up a ton of reviews tonight/this morning, I decided to go back and look at some of my work from a few years ago. Now, the event that triggered this piece doesn’t seem all that bad. Obviously, I survived and have mad major changes in my life. I can honestly say that I am in a better place. When I look at the major things that occured this year, the memory of this event seems like a walk in the park.

I have moved into my own place and am taking care of my kids, which is one of the main reasons that I stayed in my marriage so long. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to provide for my kids. I love my ex, just not in a romantic since of the word. I hope that one day, our friendship will be strong again. Since I have lived on my own, we actually talk more than we did for at least the past year. If he starts to get on my nerves I can go to my house, or he can sense when it’s time for him to leave my place. We are co-parenting after all, we have to be able to get along. I’m not sure if he’s happier with things in a romantic sense, but I know he’s happier with his job.

I still miss Vanilla Bean, and I’m sure that I will for the rest of my life. However, I can tell that I’m doing better; in the beginning it was a miracle if I made it through the day without crying several times. I still cry for him occasionally, especially in the 22nd of every month, but I know even that will get better as time passes. I still say things to him in my head, especially when something crazy happens. But, his suicide taught me that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was, that life is way too short, and that I should be happy while I’m here.

I can truthfully say that I’m happy now! I know that my Daddy plays a role in my happiness. I can go to him at anytime if I have a problem, am sad or I just miss Him. Even though he has a lot on His plate, He always makes time for me. He’s the first person I talk to in the morning, and the last person I talk to before I go to sleep (outside of my kids, because every mother knows they can need you anytime of the day or night). I know that He keeps an eye on how I’m dealing with things on an emotional level, and sexually *blushing*. I think sometimes people misunderstand the nature of submission; I don’t have to do everything he says without any say at all. I am still ultimately in charge of everything I do, and when I submit to His decision it is by choice. There is a greater level of communication between U/us, because part of His job is to care for me & make sure that I am growing as a person. He is my rock, but I am also there for Him. I know that every DD/lg or D/s relationship isn’t like this, but neither is every “vanilla” relationship.

So here’s a peek into my past:

Swept Away

I don’t want you to feel responsible for me; hell, no one’s done that since before 1993

All I have to do is close my heart off more to the world

For some reason, I let myself believe that you would be different; you were for awhile, you were my rock

But then one day you moved me to my personal hell; still, I was supportive of you

You didn’t even notice that my soul my was fading away

You threw me into the arms of my abuser, but that wasn’t even enough pain for you

Why would you tell me the stories where he laughed about the way I suffered; the answer must be because you love me

After all, that’s what I know of love; actually, you hadn’t hurt or torn me down nearly enough to love me yet

It’s got to be something pretty big to out do the bat that was shattered on my back

Perhaps, somehow I made an involuntary movement and you took that as my throwing the gauntlet down

It’s your turn to etch pain into my soul, but it’s got to be something really painful to get through all the scar tissue around my heart

Do you think you can do it; do you have it within you to tear me down and rip me to shreds

I was mistaken, you did indeed have it within you to darken my heart

But, unlike all the other people that i’ve ever loved, I gave you the tools to hurt me

I trusted you, and that was my biggest mistake; I allowed myself to believe that I was lovable

Or maybe my biggest mistake, was thinking that for some reason my love was valuable

By this point in life I should’ve known that my love had no value, that in fact I had no value

When something is valuable it is treated with great care, steps are taken to make sure valuable things remain unbroken

Steps like a parent protecting a child when the other parent is hurting them; you were worried about who paid the bills

Bitch, I am the one who paid the bill…I’m the one that he broke the bat on, because I was trying to protect you

Now, you are somehow miraculously unable to remember any of the incidents of abuse that occurred under your watch

You even said that you were never scared of him until you left; it must’ve been someone else screaming for help that December morning

Don’t you see, my value decreased EVERYTIME that you chose a man over me

You carved out the chunks of my heart every single time you promised to be there to protect me, but showed up late

It was easy for me to stay with a guy who would threaten to kill himself if I didn’t have sex with him, hell at least he had some feelings for me

It didn’t bother me at the time that I let him hurt me so that I’d have a place to stay; he wasn’t supposed to love me, you were

What did you think would happen to my soul; did you think i’d suddenly figure out how to love myself

I learned how to survive, that I’d make it through any abuse or hardship that was placed in my path

A fact that managed to seep into your pathetic brain, you’ve acknowledge my strength in overcoming the trials that I faced

That’s not completely true, perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that you’ve noticed my “strength” in the face of medical adversities

I guess i should be thankful for that acknowledgment, lord knows you seem to have forgotten anything else that i did over the last 37 years

I don’t  blame you, how could I…I was raised to believe everything bad that occurred was my fault

Did you even realize that as I cried at HIS funeral, I was crying because I’d realized that I was totally alone in the world now

I know, I’m fucked up

I was sad because a man who caused my PTSD is dead, and suddenly I realize that there is no longer anyone in my immediate family that loves me

The most perverse part of the situation is that even though HE beat the fuck out of me, deep down I knew HE loved me

I’ve been trained to believe that even the few fucked up moments of love from HIM, was better than to have no love at all

I sit here and all I can think of are the ways that the people that I loved and trusted the most, have betrayed me

My heart is filled with pain and sadness now, as I sit here pondering my marriage

For even he, was a participant in the scraping of my heart

I can’t get past the betrayal that occurred last year, at this point i don’t even know if it’s possible

I do know that: you hurt me, ruined both of my parental relationships, rejected me when I tried to discuss my desires to you, and betrayed me when you talked to my mom

I guess you must love me an awful lot; most of the other’s have only caused a crack in my heart

When you made your mark, you treated my heart like it was being swept up and battered in a tsunami

Guess what: I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO HANG ON TO A PIECE OF DRIFT WOOD WHILE KICKING MY FEET

 

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2 thoughts on “Looking Back

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