Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

As you can tell if you’ve been reading my posts, I am in the middle of combining several blogs that I started. I will now be posting erotic book and toy reviews on my blog. I’m excited about becoming a sex toy reviewer ;). I will also be posting pieces that I’ve written or am currently working on. Most Importantly: I will be blogging about BDSM, Daddy/babygirl Relationships, Polyamory, and Getting Your Kink On When You Have a Disability.

I will also be starting a question and answer segment, so if there any questions about BDSM that you’ve been dying to ask since you read 50 Shades, then I’m your girl. I will caution you though, and say that bdsm in the real world isn’t “really” like 50 Shades. There are a ton of different relationships that fall under the BDSM umbrella, and then there are people who just like to get freaky every once in a blue moon.

I have Multiple Sclerosis, and seeing as how this is MS Awareness month I decided to checkout the resources available to us kinky disabled folks. Sadly, there wasn’t as many as I’d hoped & some that looked promising had simply died out. So, I feel like I need to take one for the team and be the “Official Disabled Sexy Toy Testing Goddess”. I will do my duty & serve my community proudly; I will face the day, one toy at a time ;).

I will also be discussing polyamory, because I have recently begun a poly relationship. If someone had asked me about being poly five years ago, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. I’ve changed a lot in that time. I’ve learned that it’s important to be loved unconditionally & be happy, for me that happens to be as a member of a triad…and Daddy’s babygirl. Image

Every sub is Allowed to Have a Temper Tantrum, Right?

Okay, if you are a Dom reading this you are probably thinking HELL NO…..actually, the funniest thing that happened after my  outburst & fit of self-doubt is that the Doms all said to breathe.  So maybe it’s not all that unsubmissive to question the depth of one’s submissiveness , lol.

But seriously, after I was able to get past that huge period of self-doubt I was able to think about things more clearly. I was very productive, mapping out a beginning the writing process for an Interracial BDSM story 😉. Started the day out on the right foot, worked through a really crappy event with a Dom & able to see it from an outsider’s perspective. Then said Dom was kind enough to use orgasm control in a manner that left me with a high/bliss like feeling….Thank You 😉.Image

Henrietta & George Go Bananas

Henrietta was sitting on her bed, trying to process all of the feelings that were running through her body. She loved her

husband Aaron, after all they had been together for over twenty years, but she hadn’t been able to shake the feeling that

something was missing from their relationship. She’d tried once before to tell Aaron what she felt was missing, that she

yearned to be dominated by a man. Unfortunately, all the promises that he’d made about dominating her never came to

fruition. Now, Henri was teetering on the edge, and deep in her heart she knew that her need to be dominated would

eventually win the battle. Henri knew that there would be grave consequences if she gave into her desires; she didn’t know if

she would be strong enough to pick up all of the pieces from the fallout.
As Henri sat curled into a ball, all her mind could think of was him. She leaned her head back against her pillow, closed her

eyes and saw Him. The person that she referred to as him, was George Mason. God, she’d do anything if she could travel back

and change things so that she didn’t run into George Mason’s cart in the grocery store. Henri can remember everything that

 

occurred the day they met.

She’d just reached over the piles of fruit in order to grab a bunch of bananas, of course the ripest bunch that she desired was

at the very back of the pile. As she leaned over to grab it, her long brown hair flew into her eyes; She used her right hand to push

her hair out of her face. That same moment, George decided that he wanted the same bunch of bright yellow bananas, with

a few brown spots on them. George’s hand slightly graved Henri’s palm, instantly she felt her desire all the way down to her

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pussy.
She jerked her hand back as fast as she could, and tried to grab her shopping cart. All she kept thinking, is that she had to get away from George as fast as she could. But George had other plans for her. He’d felt the charge of sexual attraction when their hands touched, as well. George had only had that kind of experience once, and it was with his former submissive, Susan. George and Henri had known each other for years, but neither of them had experienced this kind of attraction to the other one throughout the years.
When Henri noticed that George had blocked her cart so that she was unable to exit, she looked up at him with her big honey brown eyes.
“Umm, hi George. I’m, umm, really sorry about bumping into your cart. I’ll have to pay closer attention to my surroundings the next time I reach for bananas.”
“Henri, look at me directly in the eyes. I know you felt the attraction, just as much as I did,” said George.
Henri tried to force herself to look at him, but she just couldn’t do it. She looked down at the ground and closed her eyes. Henri thought that perhaps George would be gone when she opened her eyes. She didn’t know how to deal with the situation; hell, it had been ages since her pussy had clenched like that. Henri, took a deep breath and opened her eyes…..Damn it still there.
“Henri, I told you to look at me. I meant right now!”
Henri slowly lifted her head up, and she looked into George’s piercing blue eyes. She straightened her body out, and made sure that she had her head held high. Then she glued a plastic smile on her face and said,” Yes George, I felt the attraction, alright. So what?”

Wave of the Tail

I will be writing much more either later today, or tomorrow. I will see that some pretty big changes have occurred in my life recently. I am still with my Daddy Dom, but I’ve also met someone (or more) that is playing an important role in my life. I can’t wait to tell you ALL about it, but I definitely need to get a little sleep first.

Looking Back

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After I finished writing up a ton of reviews tonight/this morning, I decided to go back and look at some of my work from a few years ago. Now, the event that triggered this piece doesn’t seem all that bad. Obviously, I survived and have mad major changes in my life. I can honestly say that I am in a better place. When I look at the major things that occured this year, the memory of this event seems like a walk in the park.

I have moved into my own place and am taking care of my kids, which is one of the main reasons that I stayed in my marriage so long. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to provide for my kids. I love my ex, just not in a romantic since of the word. I hope that one day, our friendship will be strong again. Since I have lived on my own, we actually talk more than we did for at least the past year. If he starts to get on my nerves I can go to my house, or he can sense when it’s time for him to leave my place. We are co-parenting after all, we have to be able to get along. I’m not sure if he’s happier with things in a romantic sense, but I know he’s happier with his job.

I still miss Vanilla Bean, and I’m sure that I will for the rest of my life. However, I can tell that I’m doing better; in the beginning it was a miracle if I made it through the day without crying several times. I still cry for him occasionally, especially in the 22nd of every month, but I know even that will get better as time passes. I still say things to him in my head, especially when something crazy happens. But, his suicide taught me that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was, that life is way too short, and that I should be happy while I’m here.

I can truthfully say that I’m happy now! I know that my Daddy plays a role in my happiness. I can go to him at anytime if I have a problem, am sad or I just miss Him. Even though he has a lot on His plate, He always makes time for me. He’s the first person I talk to in the morning, and the last person I talk to before I go to sleep (outside of my kids, because every mother knows they can need you anytime of the day or night). I know that He keeps an eye on how I’m dealing with things on an emotional level, and sexually *blushing*. I think sometimes people misunderstand the nature of submission; I don’t have to do everything he says without any say at all. I am still ultimately in charge of everything I do, and when I submit to His decision it is by choice. There is a greater level of communication between U/us, because part of His job is to care for me & make sure that I am growing as a person. He is my rock, but I am also there for Him. I know that every DD/lg or D/s relationship isn’t like this, but neither is every “vanilla” relationship.

So here’s a peek into my past:

Swept Away

I don’t want you to feel responsible for me; hell, no one’s done that since before 1993

All I have to do is close my heart off more to the world

For some reason, I let myself believe that you would be different; you were for awhile, you were my rock

But then one day you moved me to my personal hell; still, I was supportive of you

You didn’t even notice that my soul my was fading away

You threw me into the arms of my abuser, but that wasn’t even enough pain for you

Why would you tell me the stories where he laughed about the way I suffered; the answer must be because you love me

After all, that’s what I know of love; actually, you hadn’t hurt or torn me down nearly enough to love me yet

It’s got to be something pretty big to out do the bat that was shattered on my back

Perhaps, somehow I made an involuntary movement and you took that as my throwing the gauntlet down

It’s your turn to etch pain into my soul, but it’s got to be something really painful to get through all the scar tissue around my heart

Do you think you can do it; do you have it within you to tear me down and rip me to shreds

I was mistaken, you did indeed have it within you to darken my heart

But, unlike all the other people that i’ve ever loved, I gave you the tools to hurt me

I trusted you, and that was my biggest mistake; I allowed myself to believe that I was lovable

Or maybe my biggest mistake, was thinking that for some reason my love was valuable

By this point in life I should’ve known that my love had no value, that in fact I had no value

When something is valuable it is treated with great care, steps are taken to make sure valuable things remain unbroken

Steps like a parent protecting a child when the other parent is hurting them; you were worried about who paid the bills

Bitch, I am the one who paid the bill…I’m the one that he broke the bat on, because I was trying to protect you

Now, you are somehow miraculously unable to remember any of the incidents of abuse that occurred under your watch

You even said that you were never scared of him until you left; it must’ve been someone else screaming for help that December morning

Don’t you see, my value decreased EVERYTIME that you chose a man over me

You carved out the chunks of my heart every single time you promised to be there to protect me, but showed up late

It was easy for me to stay with a guy who would threaten to kill himself if I didn’t have sex with him, hell at least he had some feelings for me

It didn’t bother me at the time that I let him hurt me so that I’d have a place to stay; he wasn’t supposed to love me, you were

What did you think would happen to my soul; did you think i’d suddenly figure out how to love myself

I learned how to survive, that I’d make it through any abuse or hardship that was placed in my path

A fact that managed to seep into your pathetic brain, you’ve acknowledge my strength in overcoming the trials that I faced

That’s not completely true, perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that you’ve noticed my “strength” in the face of medical adversities

I guess i should be thankful for that acknowledgment, lord knows you seem to have forgotten anything else that i did over the last 37 years

I don’t  blame you, how could I…I was raised to believe everything bad that occurred was my fault

Did you even realize that as I cried at HIS funeral, I was crying because I’d realized that I was totally alone in the world now

I know, I’m fucked up

I was sad because a man who caused my PTSD is dead, and suddenly I realize that there is no longer anyone in my immediate family that loves me

The most perverse part of the situation is that even though HE beat the fuck out of me, deep down I knew HE loved me

I’ve been trained to believe that even the few fucked up moments of love from HIM, was better than to have no love at all

I sit here and all I can think of are the ways that the people that I loved and trusted the most, have betrayed me

My heart is filled with pain and sadness now, as I sit here pondering my marriage

For even he, was a participant in the scraping of my heart

I can’t get past the betrayal that occurred last year, at this point i don’t even know if it’s possible

I do know that: you hurt me, ruined both of my parental relationships, rejected me when I tried to discuss my desires to you, and betrayed me when you talked to my mom

I guess you must love me an awful lot; most of the other’s have only caused a crack in my heart

When you made your mark, you treated my heart like it was being swept up and battered in a tsunami

Guess what: I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO HANG ON TO A PIECE OF DRIFT WOOD WHILE KICKING MY FEET

 

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The Right to Love You

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I’m in love with a man that I have no right to love, but I can’t change the way that I feel. I’m legally separated and am getting divorced, and my husband & I are both (hopefully) moving on with our lives. The man that I love is married, and he is his wife’s caretaker. I know that she needs him, but it doesn’t make my love for him decrease. I’ve struggled this week with not being a “good” person; is it possible to be a good person, while having an affair?
If anyone had asked me that question ten years ago, I would have answered absolutely not! Unfortunately, the last five years has changed my opinion. I was a supportive wife, I even sacrificed what I knew was emotionally healthy in order to try and be supportive of my ex. Not only did I move to a town I swore I would never live in again, but I ended up down the street from my father, who was both physically and emotionally abusive as I grew up. My ex didn’t end up being happy with the job we moved here for, and took several different jobs over the last five years.
I spent the first three years after our move, trying to be encouraging. When my ex began to push all of us away (the kids & me), I got friends to babysit for the weekend, so that we could try and reconnect. Instead, we often ended up at a movie & then had obligatory sex, or sometimes just laid side by side reading. I would try & engage him in conversation, but it didn’t help. However, when I needed support and encouragement he wasn’t there. At one point, he tried to claim that he couldn’t pay attention when I spoke to him because he had dyslexia. Eventually, I sought attention elsewhere. I slept in the living room for over a year, before we finally got separate residences.
Now, I fast forward to the present & I’m very much in love. He makes me so happy, and I actually feel like I matter to him. He listens to and cares about the things that I have to say. He values my opinion, is supportive of me & cares about even the most mundane things in my life. Is it morally wrong for me to be with him? Is it wrong to love someone, even if they’re in a marriage that is no longer intimate? I no longer have an absolute answer to that question. I do know that even if I don’t have the right to love him, I do.

Surprise

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I had been feeling kinda down earlier this week, and was telling Daddy that I’d changed my mind about what I wanted for my birthday. I told him that I really would like a Hello Kitty stuffie…..Daddy told me that he could get a very special one for me. Shortly after that, my doorbell rang. When I got to the door there was a package & the mail truck was speeding away. I had ordered an item, but it wasn’t coming until the next day…I know because I had been tracking it, lol.

I went into my room and saw that the package was indeed for me. I couldn’t figure out what it could be, and there was no sender name, just a company. Imagine my surprise when I opened it & discovered the cutest Hello Kitty EVER!!!! Daddy had surprised me, lol. He told me it had been hard for him to keep the secret when we were talking earlier, but that he’d ordered it for me awhile ago. It’s amazing how Daddy knows what I need, sometimes.

Beads Glorious Beads

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Daddy started my anal training on Friday, and it was amazing!!!! OMG, who knew I would love it so much? It’s always been one of my biggest fantasies, partly because it would allow me to lose a virginity by choice. The other part is because it’s hot as hell & it sets my body on fire just thinking about it. Daddy told me to imagine him easing into me at the same time he whispers that he loves me, into my ear. I’ll just say it was an orgasm inspiring image ;).

Afterwards, we both had real life things to do….and i realized about an hour later, that I was feeling exposed & vulnerable. When Daddy & I talked about it, he asked what we should do differently. I thought about it, but there wasn’t really anything that he could do differently. I told I felt like he’d seen a piece of my soul, and it scared me. Thankfully, Daddy understands my issues & insecurities from my past. Daddy’s going to write me a message that I can read when I’m feeling insecure.

It turned out to be a good thing that I was having those feelings, I was able to channel those feelings when I was thinking about the piece I’m writing for NaNoWriMo. I came up with an idea that will allow me to write about the loss of my friend, and the new love that I found, but in a fictional way. Right now, I’m still working on character development & mapping out my story. I’m a little behind, but I didn’t decide to do NaNoWriMo until less than 12 hours before it started. I use my iPad to write & I bought an awesome manuscript writing app a few weeks ago, so I’m using that to justify the Hello Kitty case/keyboard that I bought…..it’s my first item from my ‘babygirl’ wish list on Amazon :)!

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Vulnerability

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Lately, because of situations in my past & a current issue, I’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable. Daddy has been there for me the whole way, I’m a really lucky babygirl. It scares me to love him, but I’ve come to the reality that I can’t stop my feelings. Lol, I tried that approach. I tried to distance my feelings, but Daddy saw right through that, too. It was weird, even though I don’t want to lose Daddy, I could see that I was trying to push him away. In the beginning, I actually thought it would be better to push him away than to admit I was scared shitless & feeling vulnerable.
Daddy told me that no matter what I’m stuck with him, until i say it’s not something that I want. It’s kind of nice to be able to admit that I have abandonment issues, but have someone who is willing to help me heal. When one of my best friend’s killed himself in July, it totally set my issues into overdrive. I can count the number of people who have loved me unconditionally on one hand, and I’d just lost one of them. The pain & loss were overwhelming in the beginning; I wasn’t sleeping, and one night I stayed up combing messages to try & figure out what I’d missed.
I’m doing better, and I think Daddy’s patience has a lot to do with it. Even he can tell that I’m making progress; I guess I’m starting to move into the acceptance phase of grieving. I know my friend’s not coming back, regardless of how much I miss him; I still love & miss him, and that’s okay. Talking to Daddy helped me not to feel so consumed by my sadness. I have to remind myself that I can’t allow fear to stop me from experiencing love & happiness….and beauty, because it was truly an amazing experience to see & hear Daddy cum. The way he called out my name & told me he loved me, is one of the most beautiful sites I’ve ever experienced…I look forward to doing it more ****blushing****

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