Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

As you can tell if you’ve been reading my posts, I am in the middle of combining several blogs that I started. I will now be posting erotic book and toy reviews on my blog. I’m excited about becoming a sex toy reviewer ;). I will also be posting pieces that I’ve written or am currently working on. Most Importantly: I will be blogging about BDSM, Daddy/babygirl Relationships, Polyamory, and Getting Your Kink On When You Have a Disability.

I will also be starting a question and answer segment, so if there any questions about BDSM that you’ve been dying to ask since you read 50 Shades, then I’m your girl. I will caution you though, and say that bdsm in the real world isn’t “really” like 50 Shades. There are a ton of different relationships that fall under the BDSM umbrella, and then there are people who just like to get freaky every once in a blue moon.

I have Multiple Sclerosis, and seeing as how this is MS Awareness month I decided to checkout the resources available to us kinky disabled folks. Sadly, there wasn’t as many as I’d hoped & some that looked promising had simply died out. So, I feel like I need to take one for the team and be the “Official Disabled Sexy Toy Testing Goddess”. I will do my duty & serve my community proudly; I will face the day, one toy at a time ;).

I will also be discussing polyamory, because I have recently begun a poly relationship. If someone had asked me about being poly five years ago, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. I’ve changed a lot in that time. I’ve learned that it’s important to be loved unconditionally & be happy, for me that happens to be as a member of a triad…and Daddy’s babygirl. Image

One stp forward & two steps back

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This past week has been a roller coaster ride of confusion & turmoil. Oddly enough, last Sunday ended with my husband & I have a huge argument. He told me have gave me permission to have the open marriage that I wanted…but guess what??? My ass was shocked, shocked that he’d actually told me that I could see other people & I was shocked because I wasn’t overcome with joy.

The weird thing about being a relationship with someone for half of your lifetime & ALL of your adult life, is that your entire life seems to revolve around your memories with this person. Well, at least that’s how it is in my case. I love this man, he as seen me at my worst & instead of running as fast as he could in the other direction, on one occasion he actually hitchhiked over 70 miles to be with me at the hospital. When I had the chance to study in Japan, this is the person who took care of my three year old so I could go.

I feel indebted to him, but to what degree do I owe him? For the past four years, we have essentially switched roles. I have become the backbone & tried to provide him with the same type of support. When he didn’t listen to me & chose to move by my abusive parent, I tried to go with the flow. He’d started a new job and seemed unhappy; I ignored the hurtful stories that he passed along from my dad. When I saw us drifting apart, I even made arrangements for a friend to watch our kids so we could have some alone time.

He switched jobs and hated it even more than the other job; I tried my damnedest to be supportive, I didn’t even complain about having to load the kids into the car at 5:30 in the morning to drop him off at work. Hell. I didn’t even bitch when he worked EVERY fucking holiday. But, by this time we’d started to really grow apart…no matter how many times I told him I wanted to study writing, he insisted I enroll in a program at our local college.

Fast forward to last week and we’ve grown so far apart that I didn’t even want him to touch me. On Monday, we had a more civil conversation about our relationship status & he’d agreed to an open relationship. He’d also agreed to go to therapy, he starts in a few hours. But, I’m still in pain because of things he’s done & said; I don’t know how to get past them, and he’s excuse tht it’s not his normal character just doesn’t cut it. There’s been no real apology & I don’t think I can move past these things until I feel he’s sincerely sorry.

Surprise. Surprise..he’s not REALLY willing to allow me to have an open relationship. He’s just willing to say that it’s okay. I’ve discovered its okay, as long as I don’t actually talk to someone else….

Undeserved Sorrow

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It’s funny, my dad is dead but I’ve thought about him all day long; last yr on Father’s Day I felt so much anger towards him, I posted a facebook status that wished all fathers a happy day except for my own. Last night, a very wise Dom told me that I wasn’t really sad because my dad’s not here, but that I was sad because my dad wasn’t the father that he should’ve been.
It’s true, all these months that I’ve been mourning my father, but I’ve not been mourning the man who died on September 21, 2012. Lately, the song Somebody that I Used to Know/em>; has been the one that comes to mind, and slips through my lips when I’m experiencing my deepest moments of anguish.
I guess it’s kind of fitting that this song represents the two most important men in my life, my father and my husband. In the beginning they were both the forces that could make the sun shine in my life, now they’re the forces that bring the storms and clouds. Perhaps, I put them both on pedestals that would’ve been difficult for any man to remain on; in actuality, I think the tainted love that my father created in my life found a way to seep into other relationships.
After all, my dad was one of the biggest influences on my deciding to pursue my husband. I wanted to be with someone who was as different from my dad as possible, my pale redheaded husband is about as different as I could get from my brown skinned dad. Growing up in in my father’s house I learned one thing for sure, I wouldn’t marry a man who would beat me or my children. My father taught me how to fight, no it may not have been during a scheduled lesson, but I learned how to kick some ass from him. Hey, a girl only lets a bat get broken on her back once. At the time I took it as a compliment when my mom was driving my 17 yr old self back to the place where I was staying, and she said, “Girl, you really know how to fight. You didn’t just scratch and claw, you were punching him!”
Today as I think about that afternoon, I realize how entirely fucked up it was for my mom to compliment me on my fighting skills. It’s those situations that led to all the tests that my husband had to pass. To be completely honest, I would’ve left my ass; there’s no way in hell I would’ve tolerated someone throwing raw chicken at my ass. It would’ve been on, like Donkey Kong. The first time someone would’ve thrown something at me or used their hands to strike my body, that would’ve been the end.
But, somehow he was able to see beneath all the hurt and anger; he knew I was a diamond in the rough. I guess that’s part of why it’s been so painful to go throw all of the shit we’re going through right now. He loved me at a point when I didn’t truly love myself; he helped me grow into the woman that I am today. Unfortunately, now that I’m stronger I am able to see things more clearly; I am able to see through all the manipulative bullshit that he tries. My dad was the king of manipulative behavior, I’m just surprised it took me so long to see what was right in front of me.
I guess since it’s father’s day I should thank my dad for all of the wonderful things that he taught me, I’ve got a feeling my list is going to be a little different from my friends lists’. Here we go. THINGS THAT MY DAD TAUGHT ME:
1. No man better ever hit me, and if he does there’s no need to apologize because I’ll be gone
2. Be careful what you say, because you never know how the other person is going to throw it back in your face
3. Just because someone seems nice and loving in public that doesn’t mean that’s their true self
4. Size up your opponent, look for their weakness, give them a strong right hook & then kick them in the nuts if you have to
5. No matter what I do, it’s never going to be good enough for you
6. The people you love are the one’s who can hurt you the most
7. That I should be ashamed of my body
8. I’m going to grow up to be a worthless whore, that no one will ever love
9. If someone is choking you, hold your breath and the might actually believe they’ve killed you…in my case it did make him quit choking me
10.it’s possible for the person that you love the most in the entire world, to tell you they’re thinking about killing you and then themselves
11. Any time that I experience sexual pleasure, I should also feel shame & guilt…although, I’m not entirely sure if you wanted me to experience shame & guilt or just not have sexual pleasure

That wise Dom is correct, I am NOT sad because you are gone. I am sad because the father I loved died the first time that he beat me. I guess I spent the rest of my life hoping that somehow, someway, that amazing man would resurface; and to be completely fair, he did show up from time to time.
I remember when I was going to graduate from college (it was my first graduation, the quadriplegia kind of fucked up that whole high school thing for me), I didn’t have enough money to buy my cap and gown. He sent me the money, even though he knew he wouldn’t be allowed to attend.
I also have fond memories of things that he did with his grandchildren, taking them fishing, buying them clothes, taking them to the zoo. He even barbecued for one of his grandchildren’s birthdays; on a hot and sweaty July day, he didn’t complain when he had to cook on two grills, using separate tools so that our Muslim friends would be able to celebrate with us.
I’m mourning these brief glimpses of time, when he was that AMAZING man. I’m sad that that man died when I was in fifth grade, but I’m also sad that it took me until today to realize it. Since my father’s no longer here, I will never know why he changed. There are times that I wish he were still here so I could ask him, what the fuck happened?
I want to know how a person can go from being the most amazing father one day, and become a horrific monster the next. I’ve tried to examine everything that occurred and see if there were any common factors, besides me of course. I’m pretty sure his problem was me & anyone with a cock. Maybe, he thought I’d remain a virgin for the rest of my life….his beatings had the opposite effect, they sent me into the arms of anyone who showed me love.

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Somebody That I Used To Know

Decisions, Decisions

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It’s been an interesting week to say the least; the truth is out and now it’s decision making time, except I’m not really sure what choice I should make. My husband asked me what kind of marriage did I want, I said open. I love my husband but I’m not “in love” with him right now; we’ve both changed over the last 18 yrs, in someways I think we changed roles.
When we met I was 18, and had discovered I was pregnant a few weeks earlier. We actually became friends in the first place because I would talk to him while I would wait for my fiancé at his dorm. The more we talked the more I found him attractive, but nothing happened until after I broke up with my daughter’s father. In someways he was my knight in shining armor; when my mom went to the other side of the country in order to leave my dad, I was left with no family and a two month
old. He was my rock. When I was totally freaked out and stressed, his family watched my daughter so I could have a few days to try and wrap my head around things.
He saw me at my worst, but he still loved me. God knows I tested him more than any person should ever be tested; I had to know that he wouldn’t beat me or my child, I wasn’t going to repeat my childhood. I can say with complete honesty that he has never physical hurt me, or any of the children.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way my needs changed and I discovered I would actually like someone to hurt me in a BDSM way. I can’t say if this is just a phase and next week I’ll want something different. Although, it’s been my desire for over a year & a half….way before the Fifty Shades of Grey craze. It is also all but impossible for me to respond to him as a Dom; I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work.
One of the reasons I love him, is because he truly knows my (which also makes it easier for him to hurt me). While we were laying on the bed talking about things, and he was trying to get me to stop crying he said something that I’ve thought from time to time.
You know, you were jerked out of high school before your class even graduated. Then you were thrust into college & you got pregnant. If you think about it there are a lot of things you never got to experience. Then he said that maybe I needed some space so that I could experience those things.
I’ve been living under the cloud of all types of abuse until last year, when I decided it was time for me to heal. Maybe, all of these changes have occurred within me because I’m finally strong enough to shovel through the crap. In my everyday lives I’m am strong and always fighting to keep moving towards the goal. However when it comes to things of a sexual nature, I find it more gratifying and freeing when I am being submissive.
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to understand and learn about my true submissive nature; hell, to be honest I’m not even sure what all turns me on or what all is out there. Through my “mentoring”, I’ve discovered that I apparently like a little shame, humiliation & guilt. I’m also learning that you can like things in varying degrees. I also have a Domme side, but generally is only arousing to me in terms of being with another woman. I already knew I loved orgasm control and have been exploring this aspect as well.
I’ve also learned some things about my sexual preferences that I am not altogether comfortable with, and have had ideas, vids or discussions that have triggered negative reactions. These negative reactions correlate to things that I’ve recently identified in therapy.
It’s nice to have someone who will push me when I try and change the subject because I’m uncomfortable. It’s not such a great feeling when I upset the person that I’m working with,I’ve always hated disappointing people so maybe thats the submissive in me.
This journey is nowhere near complete, and I know that it’s going to have some really rough parts (like trying to figure out what type of marriage I’m going to be in), but I’m also going to learn who I really am, what I do and don’t like, and hopefully get to a point where I’m comfortable with the fact that I really like, love sex.

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Day 13 of My 30 Days of Kink

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Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
I guess the biggest things that draw me into BDSM are the: open communication, the amount of trust that is developed between partners, the sense of protection and care you feel as a submissive, and the reward of knowing (and HEARING) that you’ve done something to please your Dom/Master…..this a big one for me, to actually have the person tell me they appreciate, care for me, the freedom to express my sexual needs/desires without judgment, the fact that a Dom/Master is paying attention to the slightest detail & is even able to pick up on things that arouse me that I might not be ready to admit, and then providing the little nudges along the way to help me expand my comfort zone, and the biggest reason (besides the awesome sexual reactions that have) is that I feel safe, like there is someone who has my best interest at heart, who will be there when I feel the utmost despair, share in the celebration when I’ve achieved a goal, and knows when I just need comfort
One a sexual level I’m drawn to the following aspects of BDSM/Kink: I love that my fantasies are discussed and validated, having my hands bound is like receiving a pound of Godiva chocolate…yes please, anytime ;), I have fantasized about being spanked in a sexual/erotic way for quite sometime, as someone who has a ton of guilt/same associated with things of a sexual nature (funny, I didn’t attend any catholic schools until college) it is amazing to have someone “tell you what to do”/ be in control, I know he’s not going to have me do anything that would be psychologically traumatic & honestly it probably would be stuff that I Really want to do but am too embarrassed to admit, ASS PLAY is there really anything more I need to say about that except, oh hell yeah….
Why am I drawn to what I’m drawn to? Well all I can say about the sexual things is that I’m drawn to them, because I rather enjoy the orgasms that they produce *BLUSHING*! I would say that I’m drawn to the emotional aspects for several reasons: a week after my 16th birthday, I decided that my dad had beaten me for the last time, so I was bounced around from shelter, foster homes,being a runaway, group home & then back to them for a short time while I was a quadriplegic…when I was removed from my home because my mom chose my dad, I realized I was the only person that I could truly count on…BDSM enables me to know that I’ll be cared for, it is afterall the essence of a BDSM relationship. And as I said earlier, it allows me to share//do all of the wonderful freaky things I can think of.

So I do a ton of book reviews…

English: Lesbian show in Granada (Spain).

English: Lesbian show in Granada (Spain). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, I do a ton of book reviews, promos, guest blogs….but I’ve noticed that I’ve not come across very much lesbian erotica. Has anyone else noticed this, and if so, do you know why there seems to be a shortage? I even do reviews/post for companies who specify in LGBTQ (Q) material, and haven’t come across any lesbian erotica :(!

Review of Tonya Kinzer’s Novel: Their Submissive Switch by Blackhippiechick for Night Owl Reviews

bdsm @ the hangar

bdsm @ the hangar (Photo credit: mrdepot)

This book could be a good starting point or readers who loved 50 shades

Black Hippie Chick's Take On Books & The World

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Sondra & Nick work together by day, but once they enter their house they live in a Master/slave relationship. In order to expand on Sondra’s slave training, she and Nick attended a training retreat in Florida. Before they leave, Nick and Sondra discuss her feelings about receiving sexual stimulation from a female. During the sessions Sondra works with both male Doms and female Dommes; she discovers that she rather enjoys the way Dommes make her feel.
Throughout the retreat Sondra and Nick learn how they feel during many intriguing situations, including a session where Sondra takes on the role of a Domme. The author was able to describe the BDSM sessions in a very sensual way, that left this reader wishing for more.
This book could be a good stepping stone book for those readers who connected with the Fifty Shades Trillogy. This book takes the next step in explaining…

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Elusive Release or I Need to Cum

English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activi...

English: Multiple men engaged in sexual activity with a single woman. Deutsch: Mehrere Männer verkehren mit einer Frau, sexuelle Praktik heißt Gangbang. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, then you know that I’m somewhat of an “innocent” when it comes to partnered/or unpartnered sexual activity. Actually, when it comes to my imagination and the erotica that I write, I could pass for a piece of top notch pussy….Unfortunately, none of those things are helpful to my current situation. My pretty brown pussy has been pulsing & aching to be touched and filled since early this morning. I’ve tried throughout the day to provide some relief for the situation; I alternated between anal beads and a plug. I even broke out the new “all over” body massager that I purchased w/the Amazon card I received for Mother’s Day. I hope it will be a gift that keeps on giving.
I HAVE BEEN ON THE EDGE ALL DAY!!!! I haven’t used that present for several hours,but my pussy is still pulsing. I can feel that awesome sensation that occurs in the perineum and my  ass when it’s being stimulated. But it’s being elusive, that all powerful orgasm that I have felt like I was on the precipice of having since 8, this morning. Damn you! You start on my clit tingling and pulsing,then the vibration starts to spread out of the chocolate covered cherry..mmmm, it’s right there…..omg, omg, omg, I need to cum so bad….
I know what’s wrong; why this complete body encompassing orgasm has burst out my sacred lotus flower…..
I NEED MY SIR/DOM/MASTER TO TELL ME TO CUM…..

Day 10 of My 30 Days of Kink

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Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Hmmmm, no activities that involve urine, feces or blood!! There is no way in hell that I’m going to partake in these things, sorry…for obvious reasons, I have a hard limit against extreme degradation & humiliation. I LOVE animals,but not in my sexual activities. I had a guy tell me he wanted me to be his nigger whore; I guess since I blocked his ass, that would be a hard limit. I don’t like guns, so anything involving that would be a big hell, fucking no on my part. I am not a fan of chocking and I don’t want to have someone make me pass out.
It’s really hard for me to say what I absolutely will not do, since I’m still quite new to the lifestyle (well, at least the acting on my desires part).

Combination of My 8th Out of 30 Days of Kink & a Journal Prompt for Subs & Slaves

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<;;;Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic:

First let me say, it is REALLY, REALLY difficult to find erotic pictures of interracial couples & DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to find interracial BDSM pictures (if your not looking for a black guy & white girl. I did however manage to find several erotic pictures (; !

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What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

There are a bunch of things that I’d like to change about my sexual attitudes and thoughts, but I guess the biggest thing I’d like to change is the guilt I feel in regards to any pleasure I receive from sex. The guilt does not stop me from participating in and enjoying sexual activities, it waits to kick in after my multiple orgasms.
Through BDSM, I’ve been able to search within myself and figure out where the guilt comes from (damn Doms/Masters, always pushing that honest and open communication 😉 ). While I often feel embarrassed, ashamed & shy whenever I’m discussing my sexual fantasies & desires w/a Dom, I do like the fact that I know where these hang-ups stem from.
I’d also like to get everyone who’s been judgmental in some way about my sexuality’s, voice out of my head. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in some fantasy world where I don’t observe the news, commercials/ads, and of course gossip. But in all actuality the most damaging forces to my sexual attitudes and thoughts, are/were my parents. I know what you’re thinking, I’m an adult & I need to get over it. While my father is no longer alive, I can still hear & see everything that happened the first time he said

You’re going to be a whore on welfare when you grow up. Nobody will want you; maybe I should shot kill you & kill myself, think what that would do to your mother!

I’m doing better, in that I recognize that my dad was a fucked up man who must’ve been in a lot of pain. It’s amazing how one analyzes things, when the other person is no longer alive.
My mom’s contribution is much more recent. When my husband called my mom & told her I was calling some “perv” (his words, not mine) Master, and that said guy was calling me his slave, it was not a fun conversation.
The first thing she said was,”Is it true?”
When I told her that it was indeed true, she told me that I needed to get some help. I can understand where she’s coming from in a sense; this is after-all a woman was born in a segregated New Orleans. The same woman who once followed my bus all the way to my high school to find out if I was forced to sit in the back of the bus.
I managed to curb my need to laugh and replied, ” Mom, all of the cool kids sit in the back.”
So there’s a part of me that’s empathetic to her feelings and what she had to go through growing up. However, I still can’t get past her saying that I needed help. It’s been over a year, and we now talk on a somewhat regular basis, but I’ll NEVER be as close to my mother as I once was.
I’d like to get to the point where the words she said no longer hurt me. I want to get to the point where I don’t feel embarrassed & somewhat ashamed, when if I were ever brave enough to share m y
Sexual Bucket List with a Dom. I want to be strong enough to say that I’m bisexual, like to have my ass spanked, live for the moment when a Dom tells me to cum & just don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about my sexual activities. I’m not there yet, but maybe there’s a Dom who can spank and fuck the guilt, shame and embarrassment I feel after sex….well, isn’t that kind of like Pavlov’s conditioning 😉

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