Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

As you can tell if you’ve been reading my posts, I am in the middle of combining several blogs that I started. I will now be posting erotic book and toy reviews on my blog. I’m excited about becoming a sex toy reviewer ;). I will also be posting pieces that I’ve written or am currently working on. Most Importantly: I will be blogging about BDSM, Daddy/babygirl Relationships, Polyamory, and Getting Your Kink On When You Have a Disability.

I will also be starting a question and answer segment, so if there any questions about BDSM that you’ve been dying to ask since you read 50 Shades, then I’m your girl. I will caution you though, and say that bdsm in the real world isn’t “really” like 50 Shades. There are a ton of different relationships that fall under the BDSM umbrella, and then there are people who just like to get freaky every once in a blue moon.

I have Multiple Sclerosis, and seeing as how this is MS Awareness month I decided to checkout the resources available to us kinky disabled folks. Sadly, there wasn’t as many as I’d hoped & some that looked promising had simply died out. So, I feel like I need to take one for the team and be the “Official Disabled Sexy Toy Testing Goddess”. I will do my duty & serve my community proudly; I will face the day, one toy at a time ;).

I will also be discussing polyamory, because I have recently begun a poly relationship. If someone had asked me about being poly five years ago, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. I’ve changed a lot in that time. I’ve learned that it’s important to be loved unconditionally & be happy, for me that happens to be as a member of a triad…and Daddy’s babygirl. Image

Decisions, Decisions

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It’s been an interesting week to say the least; the truth is out and now it’s decision making time, except I’m not really sure what choice I should make. My husband asked me what kind of marriage did I want, I said open. I love my husband but I’m not “in love” with him right now; we’ve both changed over the last 18 yrs, in someways I think we changed roles.
When we met I was 18, and had discovered I was pregnant a few weeks earlier. We actually became friends in the first place because I would talk to him while I would wait for my fiancé at his dorm. The more we talked the more I found him attractive, but nothing happened until after I broke up with my daughter’s father. In someways he was my knight in shining armor; when my mom went to the other side of the country in order to leave my dad, I was left with no family and a two month
old. He was my rock. When I was totally freaked out and stressed, his family watched my daughter so I could have a few days to try and wrap my head around things.
He saw me at my worst, but he still loved me. God knows I tested him more than any person should ever be tested; I had to know that he wouldn’t beat me or my child, I wasn’t going to repeat my childhood. I can say with complete honesty that he has never physical hurt me, or any of the children.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way my needs changed and I discovered I would actually like someone to hurt me in a BDSM way. I can’t say if this is just a phase and next week I’ll want something different. Although, it’s been my desire for over a year & a half….way before the Fifty Shades of Grey craze. It is also all but impossible for me to respond to him as a Dom; I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work.
One of the reasons I love him, is because he truly knows my (which also makes it easier for him to hurt me). While we were laying on the bed talking about things, and he was trying to get me to stop crying he said something that I’ve thought from time to time.
You know, you were jerked out of high school before your class even graduated. Then you were thrust into college & you got pregnant. If you think about it there are a lot of things you never got to experience. Then he said that maybe I needed some space so that I could experience those things.
I’ve been living under the cloud of all types of abuse until last year, when I decided it was time for me to heal. Maybe, all of these changes have occurred within me because I’m finally strong enough to shovel through the crap. In my everyday lives I’m am strong and always fighting to keep moving towards the goal. However when it comes to things of a sexual nature, I find it more gratifying and freeing when I am being submissive.
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to understand and learn about my true submissive nature; hell, to be honest I’m not even sure what all turns me on or what all is out there. Through my “mentoring”, I’ve discovered that I apparently like a little shame, humiliation & guilt. I’m also learning that you can like things in varying degrees. I also have a Domme side, but generally is only arousing to me in terms of being with another woman. I already knew I loved orgasm control and have been exploring this aspect as well.
I’ve also learned some things about my sexual preferences that I am not altogether comfortable with, and have had ideas, vids or discussions that have triggered negative reactions. These negative reactions correlate to things that I’ve recently identified in therapy.
It’s nice to have someone who will push me when I try and change the subject because I’m uncomfortable. It’s not such a great feeling when I upset the person that I’m working with,I’ve always hated disappointing people so maybe thats the submissive in me.
This journey is nowhere near complete, and I know that it’s going to have some really rough parts (like trying to figure out what type of marriage I’m going to be in), but I’m also going to learn who I really am, what I do and don’t like, and hopefully get to a point where I’m comfortable with the fact that I really like, love sex.

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Day 10 of My 30 Days of Kink

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Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Hmmmm, no activities that involve urine, feces or blood!! There is no way in hell that I’m going to partake in these things, sorry…for obvious reasons, I have a hard limit against extreme degradation & humiliation. I LOVE animals,but not in my sexual activities. I had a guy tell me he wanted me to be his nigger whore; I guess since I blocked his ass, that would be a hard limit. I don’t like guns, so anything involving that would be a big hell, fucking no on my part. I am not a fan of chocking and I don’t want to have someone make me pass out.
It’s really hard for me to say what I absolutely will not do, since I’m still quite new to the lifestyle (well, at least the acting on my desires part).

Good Books on BDSM

I was wondering if any of you had suggestions for good books that deal with BDSM. I’m talking about books that deal with the relationship aspect, and not necessarily erotica (although, do any of you think I’d honestly pass on erotica?). A book that sets up guidelines, would be great too. The books can be from the perspective of any of the possible players in a BDSM relationship. Thanks in advance ;)!

A New Start & Day 7 of My 30 Days of Kink

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I feel like I’m at a point of re-growth in my life. When my father died last year, it had a greater effect on me than I thought it would. Part of it, was that I realized that I didn’t know how long I have left on this Earth, and there are a hell of a lot of things that I want to do before my time is up. I also realized that I need to be more healthy, I don’t want to go down the same road as him.
I never really thought about my health until recently, don’t get me wrong I realized that I am overweight and I need to exercise more. What I didn’t realize was that in many ways I’d given up, I was in pain during every minute I was awake,and it had gotten to the point where I was waking up in the middle of the night because I was in pain.
Pain is a tricky and wicked bitch; if it becomes a constant state, it will eventually leave you feeling defeated and hopeless. I know this to be true, because that’s what it did to me. I got to the point where I was only getting a few hours of sleep every few days, then pray that exhaustion would hit & I would get some sleep. The pain became so great I began to feel like my life had no quality to it; I wasn’t able to enjoy anything because I either hurt too damn much to enjoy it, or too fucking much to even attempt doing anything. By mid-February, I was in so much pain it was difficult to type…and let’s face it, it’s impossible to be a writer if you can’t write.
I have gained more weight since I got the news my shoulder joints were dying, then I’d care to admit. When the doctor told me 9 years ago that I wasn’t supposed to raise my arms over my head, pick up more than five pounds or carry my baby, I began to think my life was pointless. I was pissed because I felt like I’d already lost so much to MS (Multiple Sclerosis), it just fucking didn’t seem fair. What I didn’t see at the time was that it didn’t matter if it was fair or not, it was just the way things were. I quit trying.
But guess what? I recently remembered that this is my life, therefore it is my choice if I decide to let MS control my life & my answer: HELL FUCKING NO!!!!
I had surgery last week, and I’m still in pain and I have bruises all over my arm. I look like I was beaten and not in a fun way :(. Today, I went to my first physical therapy session and my surgical bandages were removed. The physical therapist was amazed to see how well I was doing; apparently, most people don’t have the range of motion that I’ve got this early on. I am the girl who was determined to walk by the night of my prom, and not only did I do that but I danced at that bitch too. Today, I realized that I’m still the girl who overcame quadriplegia and didn’t care what anyone thought about me showing up at my prom bald. Fuck ’em! If it took 27 doses of chemo & a little hair loss to get me back on my feet, then that’s what I was going to do!
Today, I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK!!!!!! I am going to start eating the right foods and exercising,because I’ve still gotta a whole lot of life & a whole lot of fight in this body of mine. Plus,I’ve got a ton of sexual fantasies that I’ve not gotten to try yet. I’ve never been spanked while being fingered between each swat, sign me up! There’s a certain Dom that I’d like to meet up with,he eases my fears and lets me vent when I’m stressed out; he also makes me beg and say all kinds things that embarrass me,and throws in a little dash of humiliation on the side when I want to cum. He knows that even while I’m trying to protest & terribly embarrassed when I do these things,that my pussy is soaking wet and I’m on the edge of cuming.
So do I want to become more healthy for myself? Yes, of course. But you’ve got to admit all of the wonderful things we can try that keep running through my head, are a damn good source of motivation ;)!
Oh yeah,this also helps me explain the question for DAY 7 OF MY 30 DAYS OF KINK
My favorite sex toy is my brain …..yep, my brain! If my Dom has me describe a fantasy in explicit detail or what happened the last time that I came, there’s no sex toy that can compete with that in my book. How else can I go from being in the middle of a gang bang, licking the juice out of someone’s pussy, and then been fucked in all three holes within a matter of minutes?

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