Every sub is Allowed to Have a Temper Tantrum, Right?

Okay, if you are a Dom reading this you are probably thinking HELL NO…..actually, the funniest thing that happened after my  outburst & fit of self-doubt is that the Doms all said to breathe.  So maybe it’s not all that unsubmissive to question the depth of one’s submissiveness , lol.

But seriously, after I was able to get past that huge period of self-doubt I was able to think about things more clearly. I was very productive, mapping out a beginning the writing process for an Interracial BDSM story 😉. Started the day out on the right foot, worked through a really crappy event with a Dom & able to see it from an outsider’s perspective. Then said Dom was kind enough to use orgasm control in a manner that left me with a high/bliss like feeling….Thank You 😉.Image

Looking Back

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After I finished writing up a ton of reviews tonight/this morning, I decided to go back and look at some of my work from a few years ago. Now, the event that triggered this piece doesn’t seem all that bad. Obviously, I survived and have mad major changes in my life. I can honestly say that I am in a better place. When I look at the major things that occured this year, the memory of this event seems like a walk in the park.

I have moved into my own place and am taking care of my kids, which is one of the main reasons that I stayed in my marriage so long. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to provide for my kids. I love my ex, just not in a romantic since of the word. I hope that one day, our friendship will be strong again. Since I have lived on my own, we actually talk more than we did for at least the past year. If he starts to get on my nerves I can go to my house, or he can sense when it’s time for him to leave my place. We are co-parenting after all, we have to be able to get along. I’m not sure if he’s happier with things in a romantic sense, but I know he’s happier with his job.

I still miss Vanilla Bean, and I’m sure that I will for the rest of my life. However, I can tell that I’m doing better; in the beginning it was a miracle if I made it through the day without crying several times. I still cry for him occasionally, especially in the 22nd of every month, but I know even that will get better as time passes. I still say things to him in my head, especially when something crazy happens. But, his suicide taught me that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was, that life is way too short, and that I should be happy while I’m here.

I can truthfully say that I’m happy now! I know that my Daddy plays a role in my happiness. I can go to him at anytime if I have a problem, am sad or I just miss Him. Even though he has a lot on His plate, He always makes time for me. He’s the first person I talk to in the morning, and the last person I talk to before I go to sleep (outside of my kids, because every mother knows they can need you anytime of the day or night). I know that He keeps an eye on how I’m dealing with things on an emotional level, and sexually *blushing*. I think sometimes people misunderstand the nature of submission; I don’t have to do everything he says without any say at all. I am still ultimately in charge of everything I do, and when I submit to His decision it is by choice. There is a greater level of communication between U/us, because part of His job is to care for me & make sure that I am growing as a person. He is my rock, but I am also there for Him. I know that every DD/lg or D/s relationship isn’t like this, but neither is every “vanilla” relationship.

So here’s a peek into my past:

Swept Away

I don’t want you to feel responsible for me; hell, no one’s done that since before 1993

All I have to do is close my heart off more to the world

For some reason, I let myself believe that you would be different; you were for awhile, you were my rock

But then one day you moved me to my personal hell; still, I was supportive of you

You didn’t even notice that my soul my was fading away

You threw me into the arms of my abuser, but that wasn’t even enough pain for you

Why would you tell me the stories where he laughed about the way I suffered; the answer must be because you love me

After all, that’s what I know of love; actually, you hadn’t hurt or torn me down nearly enough to love me yet

It’s got to be something pretty big to out do the bat that was shattered on my back

Perhaps, somehow I made an involuntary movement and you took that as my throwing the gauntlet down

It’s your turn to etch pain into my soul, but it’s got to be something really painful to get through all the scar tissue around my heart

Do you think you can do it; do you have it within you to tear me down and rip me to shreds

I was mistaken, you did indeed have it within you to darken my heart

But, unlike all the other people that i’ve ever loved, I gave you the tools to hurt me

I trusted you, and that was my biggest mistake; I allowed myself to believe that I was lovable

Or maybe my biggest mistake, was thinking that for some reason my love was valuable

By this point in life I should’ve known that my love had no value, that in fact I had no value

When something is valuable it is treated with great care, steps are taken to make sure valuable things remain unbroken

Steps like a parent protecting a child when the other parent is hurting them; you were worried about who paid the bills

Bitch, I am the one who paid the bill…I’m the one that he broke the bat on, because I was trying to protect you

Now, you are somehow miraculously unable to remember any of the incidents of abuse that occurred under your watch

You even said that you were never scared of him until you left; it must’ve been someone else screaming for help that December morning

Don’t you see, my value decreased EVERYTIME that you chose a man over me

You carved out the chunks of my heart every single time you promised to be there to protect me, but showed up late

It was easy for me to stay with a guy who would threaten to kill himself if I didn’t have sex with him, hell at least he had some feelings for me

It didn’t bother me at the time that I let him hurt me so that I’d have a place to stay; he wasn’t supposed to love me, you were

What did you think would happen to my soul; did you think i’d suddenly figure out how to love myself

I learned how to survive, that I’d make it through any abuse or hardship that was placed in my path

A fact that managed to seep into your pathetic brain, you’ve acknowledge my strength in overcoming the trials that I faced

That’s not completely true, perhaps it would be more appropriate to say that you’ve noticed my “strength” in the face of medical adversities

I guess i should be thankful for that acknowledgment, lord knows you seem to have forgotten anything else that i did over the last 37 years

I don’t  blame you, how could I…I was raised to believe everything bad that occurred was my fault

Did you even realize that as I cried at HIS funeral, I was crying because I’d realized that I was totally alone in the world now

I know, I’m fucked up

I was sad because a man who caused my PTSD is dead, and suddenly I realize that there is no longer anyone in my immediate family that loves me

The most perverse part of the situation is that even though HE beat the fuck out of me, deep down I knew HE loved me

I’ve been trained to believe that even the few fucked up moments of love from HIM, was better than to have no love at all

I sit here and all I can think of are the ways that the people that I loved and trusted the most, have betrayed me

My heart is filled with pain and sadness now, as I sit here pondering my marriage

For even he, was a participant in the scraping of my heart

I can’t get past the betrayal that occurred last year, at this point i don’t even know if it’s possible

I do know that: you hurt me, ruined both of my parental relationships, rejected me when I tried to discuss my desires to you, and betrayed me when you talked to my mom

I guess you must love me an awful lot; most of the other’s have only caused a crack in my heart

When you made your mark, you treated my heart like it was being swept up and battered in a tsunami

Guess what: I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO HANG ON TO A PIECE OF DRIFT WOOD WHILE KICKING MY FEET

 

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The Right to Love You

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I’m in love with a man that I have no right to love, but I can’t change the way that I feel. I’m legally separated and am getting divorced, and my husband & I are both (hopefully) moving on with our lives. The man that I love is married, and he is his wife’s caretaker. I know that she needs him, but it doesn’t make my love for him decrease. I’ve struggled this week with not being a “good” person; is it possible to be a good person, while having an affair?
If anyone had asked me that question ten years ago, I would have answered absolutely not! Unfortunately, the last five years has changed my opinion. I was a supportive wife, I even sacrificed what I knew was emotionally healthy in order to try and be supportive of my ex. Not only did I move to a town I swore I would never live in again, but I ended up down the street from my father, who was both physically and emotionally abusive as I grew up. My ex didn’t end up being happy with the job we moved here for, and took several different jobs over the last five years.
I spent the first three years after our move, trying to be encouraging. When my ex began to push all of us away (the kids & me), I got friends to babysit for the weekend, so that we could try and reconnect. Instead, we often ended up at a movie & then had obligatory sex, or sometimes just laid side by side reading. I would try & engage him in conversation, but it didn’t help. However, when I needed support and encouragement he wasn’t there. At one point, he tried to claim that he couldn’t pay attention when I spoke to him because he had dyslexia. Eventually, I sought attention elsewhere. I slept in the living room for over a year, before we finally got separate residences.
Now, I fast forward to the present & I’m very much in love. He makes me so happy, and I actually feel like I matter to him. He listens to and cares about the things that I have to say. He values my opinion, is supportive of me & cares about even the most mundane things in my life. Is it morally wrong for me to be with him? Is it wrong to love someone, even if they’re in a marriage that is no longer intimate? I no longer have an absolute answer to that question. I do know that even if I don’t have the right to love him, I do.

Totally Stoked

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I’m behind on Nano because I haven’t even started writing yet, but I’m totally stoked. I had to drop out of graduate school earlier this year. I have Multiple Sclerosis & Fibromyalgia, between my divorce & wanting to make sure the transition went smoothly with my kids, and one of my bff’s suicide, I couldn’t handle grad school on top of that. Also, the program that I was enrolled in changed when I looked into going back.
I had been enrolled in a program that included instruction in graphic novel writing, but they had dropped the graphic novel portion of the program. I felt like there was really no point in trying to continue in the program when they had eliminated the portion I was interested in. Honestly, for a long time after Vanilla Bean’s death I didn’t even feel like writing anymore.
Recently, I’ve gotten the desire to write again. Now, I’m having writing ideas pop into my head in the middle of the night. Today, I found templates to help with story creation. I’M BACK. I AM GOING TO BE A WRITER AGAIN.I HAVE STORIES THAT NEED TO BE TOLD. I have overcome a lot in my life, and Vanilla Bean was a big part of that…I feel like writing is a way to honor his memory, and the love I feel for my “adopted” big brother.

Beads Glorious Beads

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Daddy started my anal training on Friday, and it was amazing!!!! OMG, who knew I would love it so much? It’s always been one of my biggest fantasies, partly because it would allow me to lose a virginity by choice. The other part is because it’s hot as hell & it sets my body on fire just thinking about it. Daddy told me to imagine him easing into me at the same time he whispers that he loves me, into my ear. I’ll just say it was an orgasm inspiring image ;).

Afterwards, we both had real life things to do….and i realized about an hour later, that I was feeling exposed & vulnerable. When Daddy & I talked about it, he asked what we should do differently. I thought about it, but there wasn’t really anything that he could do differently. I told I felt like he’d seen a piece of my soul, and it scared me. Thankfully, Daddy understands my issues & insecurities from my past. Daddy’s going to write me a message that I can read when I’m feeling insecure.

It turned out to be a good thing that I was having those feelings, I was able to channel those feelings when I was thinking about the piece I’m writing for NaNoWriMo. I came up with an idea that will allow me to write about the loss of my friend, and the new love that I found, but in a fictional way. Right now, I’m still working on character development & mapping out my story. I’m a little behind, but I didn’t decide to do NaNoWriMo until less than 12 hours before it started. I use my iPad to write & I bought an awesome manuscript writing app a few weeks ago, so I’m using that to justify the Hello Kitty case/keyboard that I bought…..it’s my first item from my ‘babygirl’ wish list on Amazon :)!

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Daddy to the Rescue

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Today, started out in such a crazy manner. I was jerked out of my bliss from talking to Daddy on Skype by screaming. I had been getting ready to read, so I turned my music off to verify that it was an argument. Believe me where I live, it’s common to hear loud drunken college kids. However, tonight’s screaming was definitely some type of domestic dispute.
It’s been over 20 years since I dealt with that type of situation, but it was like I was instantly that scared teenager again, wondering if tonight was going to be one of the times my father decided to beat me. My heart began to race, and I tried to assess the danger of the situation. I didn’t want to get to close to the windows, because I had no idea if either of them had a weapon. I did know that if something terrible happened & I could’ve helped prevent it, I would feel guilty afterwards. I had no choice, I dialed 9-1-1.
As I was telling the dispatcher the information, in the back of my head I kept thinking what if he doesn’t believe me. How messed up is that, it’s been ages since I had to convince someone that abuse had taken place; I was suddenly that scared girl wanting desperately to get help. I went to message Daddy from my phone, but there was a data block on it for five minutes in case the police need to call me back.
When I first messaged Daddy from my iPad, my hands were still shaking, my heart was still racing & I was scared. I am the luckiest babygirl in the whole world! Once I started telling Daddy what was happening, he instantly began reassuring me that I was safe. He began helping me process my feelings, and letting me know He will always be there for me. He kept telling me He loved me, and began having me do deep breathing to slow my racing heart. By the time we finished talking I was much calmer, and I once again felt safe, protected, cherished & loved.
Daddy got me a jade lotus flower, and I held it in my hands as we talked. It was comforting to have physical item from Him to hold onto. It may sound silly, but once I had Daddy’s lotus flower in my hands, I knew everything was going to be okay. I am thankful to have Daddy in my life.

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Vanilla Bean

Every Monday, since July 22nd, I’ve felt the emptiness from my friend’s suicide. Randy, aka Vanilla Bean, was like a brother to me. He was part of a double suicide. At first it was reported as a murder suicide, and I knew that wasn’t possible. Ever since I met him when I was 16, he was someone who saved people. I know, because his love saved me. He was one of a handful of people who loved me unconditionally. Finally, last month the death certificate of his ex was changed to suicide.
He was worried about me leaving my ex, and my being able to afford a place to live. When I got the keys to my new place, it was like I could feel his worry easing. In the beginning, I felt like I failed him. The one time that he really needed me, I had surgery and was on medication for pain. I didn’t see his post on Facebook; if I’d seen it, I would’ve known something was wrong. I know it wasn’t my fault, and that I couldn’t have prevented his suicide if that’s what he really wanted to do.
God, I miss the fuck out of him! I can’t tell you how many times something funny has happened or that I’ve been scared and needed to feel his love, in the last 3 months, tomorrow. I’ve missed the way we teased and joked with one another through Facebook posts. Hell, I’ve missed him telling me to shut it. I’ve just missed knowing he was here.
Dancing in the Sky by Dani & Lizzy
I listen to this song all of the time, a friend who knew about the bond I had with Vanilla Bean, posted it to my wall on Facebook. It asks what it’s like in heaven, and then it says the following

Cause here on earth everything good is missing, since you left….and here on earth everything’s different, there’s an emptiness.

I have felt that emptiness like a gaping hole in my heart, every Monday since Vanilla Bean’s death. Today, I noticed that the pain wasn’t quite as bad. Even though I miss him terribly, I was still able to feel the love I have for others & their love for me. I know that I will always miss him & that there will always be a place in my heart that only my ‘brother’ can fill, but I also know that I’m going to heal. I know tomorrow is going to be hard, since he’ll be gone for three months, but I also know that I’ll get through the day like he would want me to.

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