Stuck

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A wise man once said

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds

&

The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for

BOB MARLEY

I’ve been trying to free myself from my mental slavery for awhile; I can even say that I don’t hate you, too bad it didn’t happen while you were still here. I often think that I wish that I’d had the chance to say good-bye to you, but what would I have said? I’m sorry that you’re death is near, I love you….or would it be more along these lines: I’m sad that the end is near for you, I can’t begin to tell you the pain I have in my heart. But, I am angry as hell at you! Do you realize that I loved you more than anything else in this entire world? Perhaps, that’s the reason you were able to crush my soul; I spent more time with you than anyone else, so you knew how to make sure the pain stuck.
For the first few months after you died, I could only feel sadness for the loss of the man that everyone else knew. Now, now I can feel the anger and hurt for the monster you were as well. I’m angry that you turned me into the broken person that I am right now. I know this phase will pass, you know the phase when all of the horrible things you ever did or said get stuck on repeat. I can clearly hear the bass of your voice when you said that maybe you should kill me and then kill yourself. Who does that? Who says that fucking kind of thing to their own child? Maybe I could’ve forgiven you if you only said that one time, if I only thought you were going to take my life once. But, I can’t begin to count the number of times you said or did these kind of things to me. Here’s my question for you: Why didn’t you go ahead and kill me?
You never physically killed me, but each time one these things happened it killed apart of my soul and destroyed my self-esteem. Do you know that when something goes wrong, it’s never just that one thing for me. I hear you say I’m worthless and no one would want me, I hear you when you’re saying you should kill me…or, my heart’s racing and I have a feeling like the closed door is going to be busted open (you did do that, so I guess that’s founded). The only time I remember a dream, is when I’m dreaming you’re trying to kill me. For months I’d been stuck, stuck in the stage where I just felt sadness for your loss.
To the depth of my being, I don’t think you intended to fuck me up like you did. Constantly trying to find someone that I can please, because I could never please either of you. Hell, I even tried to make sure that you were taken care of after your strokes, when you caught your house on fire, and through all of your heart problems. You didn’t deserve my kindness, or my love. I stupidly gave them to you anyway.
I obviously haven’t mastered the second quote; I care about almost everyone. I’ve always treated other’s the way that I want to be treated, sadly it is rarely reciprocated. I’ve been told that I see thing as either black or white, with no grey in the middle. I’m not sure that’s the best description; I think I start out trying to trust people, but eventually realize the truth.
Even with YOU,I can’t be mad. It’s not like you lied to me and told me that you cared about me. It is simply the fault of my tainted mind; I erroneously tend to believe that it’s possible for me to make someone care about or find value in me. I want trust people too easily; I want someone to want to protect and care for me. So today, I am determined to find a way to bring this pain to the surface whenever I meet someone. Maybe I can find a way to cause some kind of electrical shock/or other instant form of pain to be triggered, whenever I start to think I can trust someone. I’ve heard it said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result; I’m going to change things up, maybe I can create a mantra to repeat throughout the day: trust & care for no one, after all it’s what they would do for you 🙂 !

One of THOSE Days

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for_cherie_2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today has been one of THOSE days, where you wake up to a problem. Okay, to be fair I didn’t learn about the problem until about an hour after I woke up, but since I had been planning to crawl back under the covers, it still counts.

It’s also been when one of those days, where I’ve found myself craving the touch of a Dom. I noticed that I didn’t have an emotional feeling about something that should’ve caused a great emotinal response, and thought to myself that I was going into automatic survival mode. Let me clarify that statement, the information I received is by no means a danger to me in any way. Survival mode for me means, I don’t have time to feel anything emotionally, I just need to take care of the problem.

Today, was different from most of the times I’ve gone into survival mode; I actually noticed that I wasn’t/still haven’t had an emotional reaction. That’s why I need a Dom. If I had a Dom, I know that he would be able to spank or flog me until I was able to connect to my emotions. I know he would be able to monitor my reactions, and determine if I’ve reached the point where I am actually processing things. He would be able to “make me” tell him what’s wrong, and how I’m feeling. But most importantly, he would be there once I have begun to process my emotions and he would provide me with the care that I need.

Plus, I wouldn’t remind playing with my Dom, either 😉