The Payment Series
CASSANDRA CARR

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Prized: The Payment series, part 1
After agreeing to a one-year term of service with a benefactor who can pay her debt, Catrina Carter begins training in how to please a man. But will a benefactor be willing to spend such an astronomical sum-one hundred and fifty thousand dollars-just to have her for a year? She’s about to find out.

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Possessed: The Payment series, part 2
Jared, Catrina’s “benefactor”, has agreed to pay off her debt in exchange for one year of service to him. In addition to taking his own pleasure with her, Jared offers Catrina to friends, colleagues, and even total strangers on his whim. But it’s not all fun and pleasure for Jared. As part of the agreement, he’s tasked with helping Catrina get her life back on track. He’ll succeed even if he has to spank every piece of financial information into her, and he finds he just might have to do that.
 

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Purgatory: The Payment series, part 3
Catrina has finished her year-long term of service to Jared, her benefactor, who paid all her debt off. Now she’s on her own again. Will she be able to keep the lessons Jared literally spanked into her topmost in her mind, or will old habits rear their designer heads?

Author bio
Cassandra Carr is a multi-award winning erotic romance writer with Ellora’s Cave, Sybarite Seductions/Twenty or Less Press, Decadent Publishing, Siren Publishing, and Loose Id. She lives in Western New York with her husband, Inspiration, and her daughter, Too Cute for Words. When not writing she enjoys watching hockey and hanging out online. Cassandra is the co-founder of two successful group blogs, Romancing the Jock and Dirty Birdies, and participates in several others as a contributor. Currently Cassandra also serves as president of Western New York Romance Writers.
For more information about Cassandra, check out her  website,  “like” her  Facebook fan page  or follow her on  Twitter .

Links:
Website:  http:// www.booksbycassandracarr.com Facebook:  http:// www.facebook.com/AuthorCassandraCarr
Twitter:  http:// http://www.twitter.com/cassandra_carr Pinterest:  http://pinterest.com/booksbycasscarr/

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

As you can tell if you’ve been reading my posts, I am in the middle of combining several blogs that I started. I will now be posting erotic book and toy reviews on my blog. I’m excited about becoming a sex toy reviewer ;). I will also be posting pieces that I’ve written or am currently working on. Most Importantly: I will be blogging about BDSM, Daddy/babygirl Relationships, Polyamory, and Getting Your Kink On When You Have a Disability.

I will also be starting a question and answer segment, so if there any questions about BDSM that you’ve been dying to ask since you read 50 Shades, then I’m your girl. I will caution you though, and say that bdsm in the real world isn’t “really” like 50 Shades. There are a ton of different relationships that fall under the BDSM umbrella, and then there are people who just like to get freaky every once in a blue moon.

I have Multiple Sclerosis, and seeing as how this is MS Awareness month I decided to checkout the resources available to us kinky disabled folks. Sadly, there wasn’t as many as I’d hoped & some that looked promising had simply died out. So, I feel like I need to take one for the team and be the “Official Disabled Sexy Toy Testing Goddess”. I will do my duty & serve my community proudly; I will face the day, one toy at a time ;).

I will also be discussing polyamory, because I have recently begun a poly relationship. If someone had asked me about being poly five years ago, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. I’ve changed a lot in that time. I’ve learned that it’s important to be loved unconditionally & be happy, for me that happens to be as a member of a triad…and Daddy’s babygirl. Image

Beads Glorious Beads

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Daddy started my anal training on Friday, and it was amazing!!!! OMG, who knew I would love it so much? It’s always been one of my biggest fantasies, partly because it would allow me to lose a virginity by choice. The other part is because it’s hot as hell & it sets my body on fire just thinking about it. Daddy told me to imagine him easing into me at the same time he whispers that he loves me, into my ear. I’ll just say it was an orgasm inspiring image ;).

Afterwards, we both had real life things to do….and i realized about an hour later, that I was feeling exposed & vulnerable. When Daddy & I talked about it, he asked what we should do differently. I thought about it, but there wasn’t really anything that he could do differently. I told I felt like he’d seen a piece of my soul, and it scared me. Thankfully, Daddy understands my issues & insecurities from my past. Daddy’s going to write me a message that I can read when I’m feeling insecure.

It turned out to be a good thing that I was having those feelings, I was able to channel those feelings when I was thinking about the piece I’m writing for NaNoWriMo. I came up with an idea that will allow me to write about the loss of my friend, and the new love that I found, but in a fictional way. Right now, I’m still working on character development & mapping out my story. I’m a little behind, but I didn’t decide to do NaNoWriMo until less than 12 hours before it started. I use my iPad to write & I bought an awesome manuscript writing app a few weeks ago, so I’m using that to justify the Hello Kitty case/keyboard that I bought…..it’s my first item from my ‘babygirl’ wish list on Amazon :)!

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Day 1of the 30 Days of Kink

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Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
I would have to say that I am most comfortable in the sub category, more specifically a babygirl. In the past, I have acted as a switch & with the right person it can be a real turn on! Unfortunately, with the wrong person it can be a total turnoff for me. I have had people approach me because they wanted me to give them the stereotypical, aggressive, black Domme experience. I was so uncomfortable, I couldn’t enjoy the experience at all.
***I have answered this question a little over a year ago, and am going to post that here as well.***
I am obviously interested in the Daddy/babygirl relationship, as I’m currently in that type of relationship, and have found it to be the D/s type of relationship that creates the biggest: Omg!!! This is totally what I need, response. It’s also the type of relationship where I feel the most cared about. Initially, the idea of a Daddy/babygirl relationship kinda freaked me out, but that’s because I didn’t truly understand what it was.
Honestly, when I first saw the term I had the feeling that I get when I happen to land on an episode of Dateline: To Catch A Predator. I was waiting to get an offer for Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Boy, was I a judgmental prude! I was sent a message that was from the Dom perspective, and it described the responsibilities that a Daddy/babygirl have towards one another. I totally felt like the message was my idea of what D/s should be like, for me. Then I noticed that the message was written by a Daddy Dom. We tested my response to him using the term Daddy. I’ll just say, I knew instantly it was a very good thing for me to use that term. I can’t say what changed, but from that moment on, I realized that I was a babygirl. I knew I couldn’t be a slave, I’d tried that in the past & it was not a good fit.

I never really thought about it in-depth, but I think that Daddy Doms in generally are more nurturing. I know that Daddy is there for me anytime that I need him. He provides me with the emotional support that I need. He not only tells me he loves me, but he demonstrates it as well.
I guess to me BDSM means: that the relationship has a large amount of trust & communication between the partners, it also has a lot of kink….come on, you had to know that was going to be part of my description. BDSM means that my partner is going to be more open to knew experiences. It means there are going to be times when my snarky/bratty side comes out, and that he may need to punish me. This lifestyle means:my partner & I are free to explore any fantasies that come to the forefront .. I love the way things are going so far….

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Daddy’s Girl

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If you’re like me, the first time you heard of a Daddy Dom /babygirl relationship you thought it was weird. In honesty, wasn’t exactly very open minded when it was mentioned. Then I received a message that described how a Daddy viewed his responsibilities to his babygirl, and suddenly it didn’t seem like such a bad thing.
I can’t speak for every D/s couple in a DD/bg relationship, but I know that I’ve never felt more loved & cherished than I feel now. It’s amazing to know that to my Daddy, I am one of the most important things in his life. I realize that he has other obligations & responsibilities in his life, but I also know when he asks how I am, it’s because it really is important to him. If I’m having a rough day, just talking to him makes it all better. He eases my fears & doubts; he’s supportive & cares about things that interest me.
Tonight, I was telling him how my daughter & I are really similar, except she likes to be the center of attention. Then I started laughing and said maybe I’m like that a little, too. Daddy agreed. As we talked, I realized that I don’t want to be the center of attention all of the time, but I do appreciate it when I am. I normally go without things because my kids come first, ALWAYS….but when Daddy calls me His babygirl, I feel like the most important person in the world.

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One stp forward & two steps back

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This past week has been a roller coaster ride of confusion & turmoil. Oddly enough, last Sunday ended with my husband & I have a huge argument. He told me have gave me permission to have the open marriage that I wanted…but guess what??? My ass was shocked, shocked that he’d actually told me that I could see other people & I was shocked because I wasn’t overcome with joy.

The weird thing about being a relationship with someone for half of your lifetime & ALL of your adult life, is that your entire life seems to revolve around your memories with this person. Well, at least that’s how it is in my case. I love this man, he as seen me at my worst & instead of running as fast as he could in the other direction, on one occasion he actually hitchhiked over 70 miles to be with me at the hospital. When I had the chance to study in Japan, this is the person who took care of my three year old so I could go.

I feel indebted to him, but to what degree do I owe him? For the past four years, we have essentially switched roles. I have become the backbone & tried to provide him with the same type of support. When he didn’t listen to me & chose to move by my abusive parent, I tried to go with the flow. He’d started a new job and seemed unhappy; I ignored the hurtful stories that he passed along from my dad. When I saw us drifting apart, I even made arrangements for a friend to watch our kids so we could have some alone time.

He switched jobs and hated it even more than the other job; I tried my damnedest to be supportive, I didn’t even complain about having to load the kids into the car at 5:30 in the morning to drop him off at work. Hell. I didn’t even bitch when he worked EVERY fucking holiday. But, by this time we’d started to really grow apart…no matter how many times I told him I wanted to study writing, he insisted I enroll in a program at our local college.

Fast forward to last week and we’ve grown so far apart that I didn’t even want him to touch me. On Monday, we had a more civil conversation about our relationship status & he’d agreed to an open relationship. He’d also agreed to go to therapy, he starts in a few hours. But, I’m still in pain because of things he’s done & said; I don’t know how to get past them, and he’s excuse tht it’s not his normal character just doesn’t cut it. There’s been no real apology & I don’t think I can move past these things until I feel he’s sincerely sorry.

Surprise. Surprise..he’s not REALLY willing to allow me to have an open relationship. He’s just willing to say that it’s okay. I’ve discovered its okay, as long as I don’t actually talk to someone else….

Undeserved Sorrow

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It’s funny, my dad is dead but I’ve thought about him all day long; last yr on Father’s Day I felt so much anger towards him, I posted a facebook status that wished all fathers a happy day except for my own. Last night, a very wise Dom told me that I wasn’t really sad because my dad’s not here, but that I was sad because my dad wasn’t the father that he should’ve been.
It’s true, all these months that I’ve been mourning my father, but I’ve not been mourning the man who died on September 21, 2012. Lately, the song Somebody that I Used to Know/em>; has been the one that comes to mind, and slips through my lips when I’m experiencing my deepest moments of anguish.
I guess it’s kind of fitting that this song represents the two most important men in my life, my father and my husband. In the beginning they were both the forces that could make the sun shine in my life, now they’re the forces that bring the storms and clouds. Perhaps, I put them both on pedestals that would’ve been difficult for any man to remain on; in actuality, I think the tainted love that my father created in my life found a way to seep into other relationships.
After all, my dad was one of the biggest influences on my deciding to pursue my husband. I wanted to be with someone who was as different from my dad as possible, my pale redheaded husband is about as different as I could get from my brown skinned dad. Growing up in in my father’s house I learned one thing for sure, I wouldn’t marry a man who would beat me or my children. My father taught me how to fight, no it may not have been during a scheduled lesson, but I learned how to kick some ass from him. Hey, a girl only lets a bat get broken on her back once. At the time I took it as a compliment when my mom was driving my 17 yr old self back to the place where I was staying, and she said, “Girl, you really know how to fight. You didn’t just scratch and claw, you were punching him!”
Today as I think about that afternoon, I realize how entirely fucked up it was for my mom to compliment me on my fighting skills. It’s those situations that led to all the tests that my husband had to pass. To be completely honest, I would’ve left my ass; there’s no way in hell I would’ve tolerated someone throwing raw chicken at my ass. It would’ve been on, like Donkey Kong. The first time someone would’ve thrown something at me or used their hands to strike my body, that would’ve been the end.
But, somehow he was able to see beneath all the hurt and anger; he knew I was a diamond in the rough. I guess that’s part of why it’s been so painful to go throw all of the shit we’re going through right now. He loved me at a point when I didn’t truly love myself; he helped me grow into the woman that I am today. Unfortunately, now that I’m stronger I am able to see things more clearly; I am able to see through all the manipulative bullshit that he tries. My dad was the king of manipulative behavior, I’m just surprised it took me so long to see what was right in front of me.
I guess since it’s father’s day I should thank my dad for all of the wonderful things that he taught me, I’ve got a feeling my list is going to be a little different from my friends lists’. Here we go. THINGS THAT MY DAD TAUGHT ME:
1. No man better ever hit me, and if he does there’s no need to apologize because I’ll be gone
2. Be careful what you say, because you never know how the other person is going to throw it back in your face
3. Just because someone seems nice and loving in public that doesn’t mean that’s their true self
4. Size up your opponent, look for their weakness, give them a strong right hook & then kick them in the nuts if you have to
5. No matter what I do, it’s never going to be good enough for you
6. The people you love are the one’s who can hurt you the most
7. That I should be ashamed of my body
8. I’m going to grow up to be a worthless whore, that no one will ever love
9. If someone is choking you, hold your breath and the might actually believe they’ve killed you…in my case it did make him quit choking me
10.it’s possible for the person that you love the most in the entire world, to tell you they’re thinking about killing you and then themselves
11. Any time that I experience sexual pleasure, I should also feel shame & guilt…although, I’m not entirely sure if you wanted me to experience shame & guilt or just not have sexual pleasure

That wise Dom is correct, I am NOT sad because you are gone. I am sad because the father I loved died the first time that he beat me. I guess I spent the rest of my life hoping that somehow, someway, that amazing man would resurface; and to be completely fair, he did show up from time to time.
I remember when I was going to graduate from college (it was my first graduation, the quadriplegia kind of fucked up that whole high school thing for me), I didn’t have enough money to buy my cap and gown. He sent me the money, even though he knew he wouldn’t be allowed to attend.
I also have fond memories of things that he did with his grandchildren, taking them fishing, buying them clothes, taking them to the zoo. He even barbecued for one of his grandchildren’s birthdays; on a hot and sweaty July day, he didn’t complain when he had to cook on two grills, using separate tools so that our Muslim friends would be able to celebrate with us.
I’m mourning these brief glimpses of time, when he was that AMAZING man. I’m sad that that man died when I was in fifth grade, but I’m also sad that it took me until today to realize it. Since my father’s no longer here, I will never know why he changed. There are times that I wish he were still here so I could ask him, what the fuck happened?
I want to know how a person can go from being the most amazing father one day, and become a horrific monster the next. I’ve tried to examine everything that occurred and see if there were any common factors, besides me of course. I’m pretty sure his problem was me & anyone with a cock. Maybe, he thought I’d remain a virgin for the rest of my life….his beatings had the opposite effect, they sent me into the arms of anyone who showed me love.

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Somebody That I Used To Know

Decisions, Decisions

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It’s been an interesting week to say the least; the truth is out and now it’s decision making time, except I’m not really sure what choice I should make. My husband asked me what kind of marriage did I want, I said open. I love my husband but I’m not “in love” with him right now; we’ve both changed over the last 18 yrs, in someways I think we changed roles.
When we met I was 18, and had discovered I was pregnant a few weeks earlier. We actually became friends in the first place because I would talk to him while I would wait for my fiancé at his dorm. The more we talked the more I found him attractive, but nothing happened until after I broke up with my daughter’s father. In someways he was my knight in shining armor; when my mom went to the other side of the country in order to leave my dad, I was left with no family and a two month
old. He was my rock. When I was totally freaked out and stressed, his family watched my daughter so I could have a few days to try and wrap my head around things.
He saw me at my worst, but he still loved me. God knows I tested him more than any person should ever be tested; I had to know that he wouldn’t beat me or my child, I wasn’t going to repeat my childhood. I can say with complete honesty that he has never physical hurt me, or any of the children.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way my needs changed and I discovered I would actually like someone to hurt me in a BDSM way. I can’t say if this is just a phase and next week I’ll want something different. Although, it’s been my desire for over a year & a half….way before the Fifty Shades of Grey craze. It is also all but impossible for me to respond to him as a Dom; I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work.
One of the reasons I love him, is because he truly knows my (which also makes it easier for him to hurt me). While we were laying on the bed talking about things, and he was trying to get me to stop crying he said something that I’ve thought from time to time.
You know, you were jerked out of high school before your class even graduated. Then you were thrust into college & you got pregnant. If you think about it there are a lot of things you never got to experience. Then he said that maybe I needed some space so that I could experience those things.
I’ve been living under the cloud of all types of abuse until last year, when I decided it was time for me to heal. Maybe, all of these changes have occurred within me because I’m finally strong enough to shovel through the crap. In my everyday lives I’m am strong and always fighting to keep moving towards the goal. However when it comes to things of a sexual nature, I find it more gratifying and freeing when I am being submissive.
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to understand and learn about my true submissive nature; hell, to be honest I’m not even sure what all turns me on or what all is out there. Through my “mentoring”, I’ve discovered that I apparently like a little shame, humiliation & guilt. I’m also learning that you can like things in varying degrees. I also have a Domme side, but generally is only arousing to me in terms of being with another woman. I already knew I loved orgasm control and have been exploring this aspect as well.
I’ve also learned some things about my sexual preferences that I am not altogether comfortable with, and have had ideas, vids or discussions that have triggered negative reactions. These negative reactions correlate to things that I’ve recently identified in therapy.
It’s nice to have someone who will push me when I try and change the subject because I’m uncomfortable. It’s not such a great feeling when I upset the person that I’m working with,I’ve always hated disappointing people so maybe thats the submissive in me.
This journey is nowhere near complete, and I know that it’s going to have some really rough parts (like trying to figure out what type of marriage I’m going to be in), but I’m also going to learn who I really am, what I do and don’t like, and hopefully get to a point where I’m comfortable with the fact that I really like, love sex.

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A Step In The Right Direction

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I’m sure that many of you noticed my melancholy mood earlier this week, well I’m working hard to change it. I became overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of having no form of BDSM relationship in my life. I’ve been trying to seriously evaluate my feelings, needs, cravings, and circumstances.
I’ve come to the conclusion that: I need someone who will spank my ass every once in a while (more often is welcome, too), tell me what to do in order to create the mental freedom of responsibility that allows me to do the things I really want to do, but without the guilt, and most importantly (but difficult to admit) I need the attention that a Dom gives a sub.
I crave the discussions that a sub has with their Dom, the honesty and care that these conversations entail. I crave the connection and trust that are developed in a Dom/sub relationship. I am not saying that it’s impossible for these things to exist in a Vanilla Relationship, but they are no longer apart of mine. In my Vanilla Relationship, I think my partner assumes that I’ll be attentive, loving and sexual with him; perhaps because we’ve been a couple for 18 years, he takes it for granted that I will be supportive & caring towards him. I don’t know why, but it doesn’t seem to register with him that I require the same type of nurturing.
Over the past week, I’ve realized that when my needs are being met then I’m a much better, more caring, affectionate and attentive wife. I have also realized that I’m not going to have this type of relationship with my partner anytime in the near future. Guess what? I’m tired of siting around annoyed, ignored & unsatisfied…so I’m going to actively pursue what I need in order to be fulfilled with my life. Mama’s ready to get her freak on 😉 !

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