Phoenix Rising…I hope ;)

I’m sure most of you knew that a divorce was in my future, surprisingly from my perspective it didn’t really have anything to do with my need/desire to incorporate BDSM into my life. My husband and I grew apart. He became so wrapped up in his goal to complete his Master’s Degree, he put everything else on the back burner. No one, or nothing was as important as what he was doing….at least to him, and it hasn’t only been his relationship with me that has suffered.

I got pregnant with my oldest daughter at 18, during my second year of college. I started dating my husband shortly before she was born, I was 19. I have & haven’t been on my own before so I’m a little nervous about what it will be like once our divorce is final. I know you’re trying to figure out how it’s possible to be & not to be on my own, so I will try to explain. I grew up in a house where abuse occurred. A week after my 16th birthday, my father beat me with a baseball bat. The next week on New Year’s, my resolution was to never let him hit me again. I’ve been in shelters, foster care, group homes, a runaway so I have been in situations where I was on my own. The difference is that I didn’t have anyone else to take care of, and I can’t screw this up.

I am still a submissive, I know that now more than ever. I also know that I can only be submissive with the right person. I have a better understanding of what my limits are than I did a year ago, and I know that I am much stronger than I once thought. A lot of people think that D/s relationships are all about sex, but in my case I know that it’s about trust, love, caring and commitment.

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Masturbation

English: masturbation masc. Español: masturbac...

English: masturbation masc. Español: masturbacion masculina (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Okay, I’m putting it all out there at you’re finger tips….What are your views on discussing this w/your children? Should you discuss with them, if so, when’s the right age?
I’m asking because I was told my discussion with my kids was inappropriate…I DIDN’T GIVE A FREAKING DEMONSTRATION OR WHIP OUT SEX TOYS!!!! I merely wanted them to know its an option, and that there’s nothing wrong with it. I got pregnant when I was 18; my life could be so different if I wasn’t a mom at 19. Now, I’m at a point in my life where I want to delve in, enjoy & discover my sexual self….perhaps, I wouldn’t be so unsatisfied if I’d “sowed my wild oats”…..

My oldest is 18, and has lived with her father & his family since she was 11 ( it’s always fun battling against a family full of attorneys). I tried to talk with her about it, and when I knew she was sexually active I offered to buy “sex toys” for her. Needless to say, she is expecting my first grandchild on Christmas Eve (yep, 6 days after I turn 38). Yesterday,she said she wishes she had taken me up on my offer last yr before she started college. In less than a year, she went from starting college a year early to being pregnant.I have always spoken openly & honestly with the two kids who I share with my spouse; they know that I don’t want them to get pregnant at a young age, and that I would be supportive if it occurred. But honestly, if I’d known how great it could feel to masturbate I would’ve never left my house ;)! Okay, okay, I would’ve left the house but I also would’ve known that I could create my own HAPPY ENDING.

When I was in Fifth Grade, my father ‘caught’ me masturbating, it was one of the worst experiences ever. Not only did he make me feel horrible that day, but he used it against me on a regular basis. It was the reason he searched my things, called me a whore and threatened to kill me on a regular basis, tore my clothes off of me.  Those things have stuck with me over the past 25 yrs, but I am determined not to repeat those things.

I want my kids to know that masturbation is a wonderful thing, that can be done with or without a partner.

One stp forward & two steps back

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This past week has been a roller coaster ride of confusion & turmoil. Oddly enough, last Sunday ended with my husband & I have a huge argument. He told me have gave me permission to have the open marriage that I wanted…but guess what??? My ass was shocked, shocked that he’d actually told me that I could see other people & I was shocked because I wasn’t overcome with joy.

The weird thing about being a relationship with someone for half of your lifetime & ALL of your adult life, is that your entire life seems to revolve around your memories with this person. Well, at least that’s how it is in my case. I love this man, he as seen me at my worst & instead of running as fast as he could in the other direction, on one occasion he actually hitchhiked over 70 miles to be with me at the hospital. When I had the chance to study in Japan, this is the person who took care of my three year old so I could go.

I feel indebted to him, but to what degree do I owe him? For the past four years, we have essentially switched roles. I have become the backbone & tried to provide him with the same type of support. When he didn’t listen to me & chose to move by my abusive parent, I tried to go with the flow. He’d started a new job and seemed unhappy; I ignored the hurtful stories that he passed along from my dad. When I saw us drifting apart, I even made arrangements for a friend to watch our kids so we could have some alone time.

He switched jobs and hated it even more than the other job; I tried my damnedest to be supportive, I didn’t even complain about having to load the kids into the car at 5:30 in the morning to drop him off at work. Hell. I didn’t even bitch when he worked EVERY fucking holiday. But, by this time we’d started to really grow apart…no matter how many times I told him I wanted to study writing, he insisted I enroll in a program at our local college.

Fast forward to last week and we’ve grown so far apart that I didn’t even want him to touch me. On Monday, we had a more civil conversation about our relationship status & he’d agreed to an open relationship. He’d also agreed to go to therapy, he starts in a few hours. But, I’m still in pain because of things he’s done & said; I don’t know how to get past them, and he’s excuse tht it’s not his normal character just doesn’t cut it. There’s been no real apology & I don’t think I can move past these things until I feel he’s sincerely sorry.

Surprise. Surprise..he’s not REALLY willing to allow me to have an open relationship. He’s just willing to say that it’s okay. I’ve discovered its okay, as long as I don’t actually talk to someone else….

Decisions, Decisions

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It’s been an interesting week to say the least; the truth is out and now it’s decision making time, except I’m not really sure what choice I should make. My husband asked me what kind of marriage did I want, I said open. I love my husband but I’m not “in love” with him right now; we’ve both changed over the last 18 yrs, in someways I think we changed roles.
When we met I was 18, and had discovered I was pregnant a few weeks earlier. We actually became friends in the first place because I would talk to him while I would wait for my fiancé at his dorm. The more we talked the more I found him attractive, but nothing happened until after I broke up with my daughter’s father. In someways he was my knight in shining armor; when my mom went to the other side of the country in order to leave my dad, I was left with no family and a two month
old. He was my rock. When I was totally freaked out and stressed, his family watched my daughter so I could have a few days to try and wrap my head around things.
He saw me at my worst, but he still loved me. God knows I tested him more than any person should ever be tested; I had to know that he wouldn’t beat me or my child, I wasn’t going to repeat my childhood. I can say with complete honesty that he has never physical hurt me, or any of the children.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way my needs changed and I discovered I would actually like someone to hurt me in a BDSM way. I can’t say if this is just a phase and next week I’ll want something different. Although, it’s been my desire for over a year & a half….way before the Fifty Shades of Grey craze. It is also all but impossible for me to respond to him as a Dom; I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work.
One of the reasons I love him, is because he truly knows my (which also makes it easier for him to hurt me). While we were laying on the bed talking about things, and he was trying to get me to stop crying he said something that I’ve thought from time to time.
You know, you were jerked out of high school before your class even graduated. Then you were thrust into college & you got pregnant. If you think about it there are a lot of things you never got to experience. Then he said that maybe I needed some space so that I could experience those things.
I’ve been living under the cloud of all types of abuse until last year, when I decided it was time for me to heal. Maybe, all of these changes have occurred within me because I’m finally strong enough to shovel through the crap. In my everyday lives I’m am strong and always fighting to keep moving towards the goal. However when it comes to things of a sexual nature, I find it more gratifying and freeing when I am being submissive.
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to understand and learn about my true submissive nature; hell, to be honest I’m not even sure what all turns me on or what all is out there. Through my “mentoring”, I’ve discovered that I apparently like a little shame, humiliation & guilt. I’m also learning that you can like things in varying degrees. I also have a Domme side, but generally is only arousing to me in terms of being with another woman. I already knew I loved orgasm control and have been exploring this aspect as well.
I’ve also learned some things about my sexual preferences that I am not altogether comfortable with, and have had ideas, vids or discussions that have triggered negative reactions. These negative reactions correlate to things that I’ve recently identified in therapy.
It’s nice to have someone who will push me when I try and change the subject because I’m uncomfortable. It’s not such a great feeling when I upset the person that I’m working with,I’ve always hated disappointing people so maybe thats the submissive in me.
This journey is nowhere near complete, and I know that it’s going to have some really rough parts (like trying to figure out what type of marriage I’m going to be in), but I’m also going to learn who I really am, what I do and don’t like, and hopefully get to a point where I’m comfortable with the fact that I really like, love sex.

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Some Truth Comes To Light

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This weekend an awkward and somewhat painful conversation took place. My husband said he missed having sex with me. Then he asked me if I missed it; not wanting to be an evil bitch, I said yes & no. When he asked why, I gave him several examples of hurtful things that he’s done or said in the last few months. He said that I was taking what he said about my oldest daughter’s situation the wrong way, but he said it so clearly even my deaf grandparents would’ve gotten it.
In someways, I’ve been very fortunate over the last month; due to the surgery I had at the beginning of May, I’ve had to sleep on the futon in the living room. When you aren’t sleeping in the same room, or your bruises look like you took on a tsunami and lost it is easy to avoid any sort of sexual contact. In all honesty, our sex life took a hit in April when he was continuously too busy; also, not acknowledging when your spouse is saying good-bye and then blaming your dyslexia is a good way to insure many masturbation filled nights in your future.
My sexuality has always been something hard for me to deal with, so having my husband walk in while I was masturbating was pretty horrifying. It wasn’t even like he walked in and found me with my hands in the honey pot, I had a “body massager” involved. I immediately jumped up & tried to do the crack head toss, you know when they there the drugs and try and play dumb. He asked me where I got it from & I said it was a MOTHER’S Day present. I really didn’t expect the next question; Who got that for you?
Hello Dumb ass, you got me an Amazon gift card…you can buy anything on Amazon, including some awesome sex toys ;)! Which brings me back to our conversation this weekend. He asked me who I was in a relationship with because it didn’t feel like I was in one with him. Did I tell him what I really wanted to say: Remember when you told me that you wouldn’t even have time to listen to how my day was for the next year? I believe you said that it was the sacrifice I was going to have to make for the next year. GUESS YOU FOUND OUT WHAT YOU’LL BE SACRIFICING. No, I wasn’t a bitch and did not want to be deliberately hurtful. I also didn’t say,” Did you already forget about the bountiful sex toys I purchased for Mother’s Day with the gift card you got me?”
I simply said no one.

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Is it possible to fall back in love?

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I’ve been wrestling with this question for at least a month now; I am not sure if it’s possible, but with each day it fades a little more. I don’t blame him for everything, I’m a completely different person than when we met. I’m no longer the 18 yr old pregnant girl who’s biggest requirement in a partner was that he never hit me, or my child. To that end, he has absolutely lived up to that end of the deal. Unfortunately, the woman that I’ve become wants to be spanked, have nipple clips/clothespins, be bound, flogged….I’m sure you get the picture.
But this isn’t the reason that my love for him has faded, (well there is one somewhat related thing)it’s the things that he’s said to me, said to a family member, and has required of me. He’s changed, as well. When I told him that I had a class in the building where I was raped, and would have to ride in the elevator where the rape occurred (due to my disability)his response was to ask if I was going to drop out of school. Then he went on to remind me then, and several times throughout the year that we needed my student loan money.
When I started discussing BDSM, he seemed okay and was willing to try things. Well, he agreed to spank me one night but after about five gentle swats he quit. The next morning when I asked him what he thought about what we’d done the night before, he seemed pretty disgusted. I felt guilty; here was a man whose non-aggressive qualities were what attracted me to him, and I was trying to make him ” hit & hurt” me.
I MAD A BAD DECISION.After that night, my need for a D/s relationship grew; finally, I’d found something that allowed me to feel comfortable & safe exploring my sexuality!!!! Unfortunately, I was able to do this through an online/phone relationship. My husband flipped out, and I don’t blame him for that; he wanted me to stop all contact immediately, and I didn’t. I take complete blame for searching for someone outside of my marriage, I had a choice & I chose one that hurt my husband.
The next move, was played by him. He called my (African American/raised in segregated New Orleans/and lived in Watts during the riots) mother; he told her that I was talking to some pervert online. Then he told her,” She’s calling this pervert Master, and he’s calling her slave!”
As you can probably guess, things did not go well. In fact, my relationship with my mother will never be the same. My mom said she didn’t want to have to choose between m husband and me. I told her she shouldn’t have to choose since she was my mother. I didn’t speak to her for about four months, and even now I won’t tell her anything that’s truly personal/important.
He eventually apologized, saying that he was mad and would take things back if he could. He can’t take it back, and I can’t forget it. I did go to did meet with a therapist that I still see.Even she says that I’ve done everything I can, he has to make the next step.
He and I are both in graduate school, but somehow that excuses him from paying attention to anything outside of his job and school. One day I was getting ready to go to the doctor, I was sitting next to him as I put my shoes on. As I went to leave I said good bye ; he didn’t acknowledge me until I actually said good bye to myself. Then he had the audacity to say that his dyslexia prevented him from noticing when I was talking to him.
Recently, we sat down and he told me that he’s not going to pay attention to me for the next year. He told me that he’d made sacrifices for me, and I was going to have to make the sacrifice of basically having no partner for the next year. I just sat there; I honestly don’t remember if I responded to him when he said that. But, I’ve made sacrifices for him as well. I actually agreed to move back to a town that I’d repeatedly said that I didn’t want to live in for a good 14 years. Not only that, but I’d always said that if I did move here I wanted to live on the other side of the county from my father.
Here’s the sacrifice that I made, not only did I move to the town but my husband moved us into a house that four houses down the street from my dad. This is the man who at one point abused so badly they removed me from my parents’ home. Then my husband would come tell me horrible things that my dad would say, then “realize” he shouldn’t have told me. He actually told me that in order to overcome my negative feelings, I should spend more time with my dad. It eventually got to the point that my night terrors were horrible. By the time we moved, my girls knew to hide when my dad knocked on the door. By December of that year, my father and I were no longer speaking because my husband was tired of my dad. When my dad died last fall, I hadn’t talked to him for nine months. I do partially blame my husband for this, when I didn’t live in the same town my dad and I had a relationship.THAT’S THE SACRIFICE THAT I MADE, I’VE GOT NO RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENT (that’s still alive) AND MY DAD‘S DEAD!
Yes, I still want a D/s relationship….it’s not even a want, it’s what I need to feel complete. No, I cannot submit to him….I don’t trust him with my emotional well being, I don’t even like being in the same room as him. He’s mentioned wanting to have sex, I’m taking full advantage of my need to recuperate from my surgery in May. Recently, he has said several hurtful things…and I’ve realized that I’m no longer in love with him.
Unfortunately, I can’t make it financially without him & honestly, I don’t think he can make it financially on his own either. So, I can’t leave. But, I don’t know how I can fall back in love with him again. He won’t put in effort to make things better, and I am just plain tired. SO, IF ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE….DROP ME A LINE…I’ll read it, even though I think it’s already to late.

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Day 13 of My 30 Days of Kink

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Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
I guess the biggest things that draw me into BDSM are the: open communication, the amount of trust that is developed between partners, the sense of protection and care you feel as a submissive, and the reward of knowing (and HEARING) that you’ve done something to please your Dom/Master…..this a big one for me, to actually have the person tell me they appreciate, care for me, the freedom to express my sexual needs/desires without judgment, the fact that a Dom/Master is paying attention to the slightest detail & is even able to pick up on things that arouse me that I might not be ready to admit, and then providing the little nudges along the way to help me expand my comfort zone, and the biggest reason (besides the awesome sexual reactions that have) is that I feel safe, like there is someone who has my best interest at heart, who will be there when I feel the utmost despair, share in the celebration when I’ve achieved a goal, and knows when I just need comfort
One a sexual level I’m drawn to the following aspects of BDSM/Kink: I love that my fantasies are discussed and validated, having my hands bound is like receiving a pound of Godiva chocolate…yes please, anytime ;), I have fantasized about being spanked in a sexual/erotic way for quite sometime, as someone who has a ton of guilt/same associated with things of a sexual nature (funny, I didn’t attend any catholic schools until college) it is amazing to have someone “tell you what to do”/ be in control, I know he’s not going to have me do anything that would be psychologically traumatic & honestly it probably would be stuff that I Really want to do but am too embarrassed to admit, ASS PLAY is there really anything more I need to say about that except, oh hell yeah….
Why am I drawn to what I’m drawn to? Well all I can say about the sexual things is that I’m drawn to them, because I rather enjoy the orgasms that they produce *BLUSHING*! I would say that I’m drawn to the emotional aspects for several reasons: a week after my 16th birthday, I decided that my dad had beaten me for the last time, so I was bounced around from shelter, foster homes,being a runaway, group home & then back to them for a short time while I was a quadriplegic…when I was removed from my home because my mom chose my dad, I realized I was the only person that I could truly count on…BDSM enables me to know that I’ll be cared for, it is afterall the essence of a BDSM relationship. And as I said earlier, it allows me to share//do all of the wonderful freaky things I can think of.

Love, Pain and Trust

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Is it possible to fall back into love, when all the warmth and caring is gone
I remember the way that I used to feel when he walked into a room, sadly now it makes me feel alone
My heart used to race and my hands would start to sweat, I wanted to look beautiful for you
Now, I’m filled with dread when you walk into the room, and yet you haven’t a clue
Have you noticed that my smile doesn’t make it all the way to my eyes
Of course not, I’m not your priority..there’s a surprise
When I think of you my heart physically aches, tears fall from my eyes remembering the love we once shared
My golden brown eyes no longer sparkle, if you took the time to really look you’d see my pain there
Time is such a valuable thing, but for me you’ve none to spare
Honestly, I can’t put all the blame on your shoulders, I’m not the same girl as when we met

My love for you isn’t gone, it’s just different. I do love you, it’s just not the same as it once was. I used to hang on your every word, at one time I would’ve done anything for you. But then we moved here, and you are not the same man either. You are no longer the person that I can count on,the person I run to when I’m in need. I can’t name the exact moment when things changed, but I can tell you what I can’t get passed. I never thought you would call my mom to “tell” on me. You knew before you called that our relationship has always been strained. Honestly,can you tell that you called her for something other than to hurt me? Tell me, what did you gain from it? Now, I barely talk to my mother and I’ve never really trusted you since then. Funny, I didn’t realize that I didn’t trust you until now. I knew I was mad and I knew that I was hurt, but I didn’t know that I didn’t trust you. Perhaps, that’s why I’ve fallen w

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Days 11& 12 of My 30 Days of Kink

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Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
I would have to say that I really appreciate them; in a BDSM relationship there is a level of trust that I think can at times be greater than in a vanilla relationship. In order for a BDSM relationship to be successful the sub has to be able to trust their Dom with their greatest desires, embarrassing incidents or feelings and their fears. After all, if you don’t trust someone to the core of your being, do you really want them to have their hands around your neck? I know, I don’t.
As someone who has experienced sexual trauma, it is very comforting to be able to discuss the activities that may take place between a Dom and myself. I think it is important that the level of comfort of each activity is discovered, and if there is something that I am completely opposed to I trust that my Dom wouldn’t do it.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
If I offend anyone with what I’m about to write, it is truly not my intention.
Okay, it may just be me….but I totally think that pony play is hilarious, purely from the viewpoint as a non-participant. Don’t get me wrong, I would totally love to have a nice object in my ass….really, really love, as in I can feel the wetness starting just from writing about it. However, I totally can’t get into having some kind of tail flapping around behind me, as I’m crawling around on all fours.
Although, if that meant my Dom had a nice rope stashed to easily lasso and tie my ass up…..nope, I still think I would bust out laughing. Yes, I realize that my beautiful brown ass will have red streaks on if my Dom so chooses, but they spanking part actually sounds pretty damn good.

Okay, I don’t know if I find this next part humorous or weird; perhaps it’s something that just don’t understand, and one of you more knowledgeable readers can enlighten me. What is up with the Daddy/baby girl thing? Okay, maybe I do find this a little funny too (but it could be different if i experienced it). I just can’t imagine a Dom spanking me, and I’m calling out : OOOO, Daddy!
So exactly how does the Daddy/baby girl thing work? Perhaps, there is something beautiful about this type of relationship, but as an outsider it kinda creeps me out. Don’t get me wrong, if that floats your boat…then take as many trips down the river of awesome sex as you can. At this time, from my limited knowledge of this type of relationship I honestly don’t think it is something that I want to do. Did you notice how I prefaced my statement with : at this time?
One thing I’ve learned as I venture into the world of BDSM, Sexual Enjoyment, Sexual Experimentation and Self Discovery is: I shouldn’t say that I’ll never do something, because it’s funny how things change.

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OVERWHELMING SADNESS, INTENSE ANGER AND A BUNCH OF LIES

As I write this, I am somewhere along the feeling line of physically painful heartache, pissed offedness (Yeah, I’m making up my own fucking words now), and feeling that I’m living a lie everyday. Last night, a beautiful 15 yr old girl died in my town. It would be one thing if she died in a car-wreck or some other type of accidental manner, but Tori’s death was entirely preventable!
I can’t help feeling like we as a community failed this beautiful soul; you’d think one of us “adults” would’ve been able to see the pain she was in. I know that someone in the high school she attended had to know she was being bullied. I can only imagine who alone she must have felt to consider suicide her only method of escape. I’m not just saying I know how alone she must have felt, to be empathetic; I remember being the first time I considered suicide an option, it was the time my dad choked me on the stairs and I held my breath so he’d think I was dead. But for me, school and classmates weren’t my personal hell like they were for Tori.
School, it was like my fucking fortress of solitude; perhaps part of the reason I got a degree in education, was so I could help provide someone else with the safe haven that I had. There were times when I literally slept outside of the auditorium doors; I knew if I went to hang with one of my friends who had an apartment, I wouldn’t be dragging my ass back in the morning.
In the last 24 hours, I’ve heard or read comments from a myriad of people who were upset with the school administrators for not doing anything. Yes, I feel their anger but I can’t fully embrace it-You know why? Because they had crappy ass counselors when I was in Middle & High school too (Not all of them, Martha Street rocked!). Shit, my mom and original guidance counselor met and discussed how I got along with almost everyone, from every “clique” in my school.
Here’s where the failure part comes in, they never once discussed the hand shaped bruises across my neck or my black eye. If they weren’t “capable” of preventing that, how can we honestly expect the majority of these people to help our kids? We can’t, well at least not completely on their own. If you’ve ever seen a teenager with a phone in their hand, you know they could type out a manuscript for the modern day version of Moby Dick, in the amount of time it would take some administrators to whip out their phones. Can you imagine all the rumors and innuendo that could spread via facebook and Twitter by 10 teens, in the span of an hour?
Now, imagine you are the person who the lies and rumors are being spread about….who do you tell? Do you meet with that same school counselor, a group of friends—although, you never know how many lies have been made up about them, using your name of course. At first, I thought maybe the bullies had been through something traumatic themselves and that is why they’re bullies.
But, that’s a fucking bullshit copout! I experienced some really painful & fucked up things, but I never intentionally hurt someone. Instead, I’ve always tried to be nice to everyone (I did say try. Every once in a blue-moon, you run into someone who is generally just mean, and even I can be persuaded to give up my attempts at kindness……
This piece will be ongoing, as I’ve got many thought’s about this devastating situation….but I also had surgery last week, and I’m already pushing it ;).