I’ve been wrestling with this question for at least a month now; I am not sure if it’s possible, but with each day it fades a little more. I don’t blame him for everything, I’m a completely different person than when we met. I’m no longer the 18 yr old pregnant girl who’s biggest requirement in a partner was that he never hit me, or my child. To that end, he has absolutely lived up to that end of the deal. Unfortunately, the woman that I’ve become wants to be spanked, have nipple clips/clothespins, be bound, flogged….I’m sure you get the picture.
But this isn’t the reason that my love for him has faded, (well there is one somewhat related thing)it’s the things that he’s said to me, said to a family member, and has required of me. He’s changed, as well. When I told him that I had a class in the building where I was raped, and would have to ride in the elevator where the rape occurred (due to my disability)his response was to ask if I was going to drop out of school. Then he went on to remind me then, and several times throughout the year that we needed my student loan money.
When I started discussing BDSM, he seemed okay and was willing to try things. Well, he agreed to spank me one night but after about five gentle swats he quit. The next morning when I asked him what he thought about what we’d done the night before, he seemed pretty disgusted. I felt guilty; here was a man whose non-aggressive qualities were what attracted me to him, and I was trying to make him ” hit & hurt” me.
I MAD A BAD DECISION.After that night, my need for a D/s relationship grew; finally, I’d found something that allowed me to feel comfortable & safe exploring my sexuality!!!! Unfortunately, I was able to do this through an online/phone relationship. My husband flipped out, and I don’t blame him for that; he wanted me to stop all contact immediately, and I didn’t. I take complete blame for searching for someone outside of my marriage, I had a choice & I chose one that hurt my husband.
The next move, was played by him. He called my (African American/raised in segregated New Orleans/and lived in Watts during the riots) mother; he told her that I was talking to some pervert online. Then he told her,” She’s calling this pervert Master, and he’s calling her slave!”
As you can probably guess, things did not go well. In fact, my relationship with my mother will never be the same. My mom said she didn’t want to have to choose between m husband and me. I told her she shouldn’t have to choose since she was my mother. I didn’t speak to her for about four months, and even now I won’t tell her anything that’s truly personal/important.
He eventually apologized, saying that he was mad and would take things back if he could. He can’t take it back, and I can’t forget it. I did go to did meet with a therapist that I still see.Even she says that I’ve done everything I can, he has to make the next step.
He and I are both in graduate school, but somehow that excuses him from paying attention to anything outside of his job and school. One day I was getting ready to go to the doctor, I was sitting next to him as I put my shoes on. As I went to leave I said good bye ; he didn’t acknowledge me until I actually said good bye to myself. Then he had the audacity to say that his dyslexia prevented him from noticing when I was talking to him.
Recently, we sat down and he told me that he’s not going to pay attention to me for the next year. He told me that he’d made sacrifices for me, and I was going to have to make the sacrifice of basically having no partner for the next year. I just sat there; I honestly don’t remember if I responded to him when he said that. But, I’ve made sacrifices for him as well. I actually agreed to move back to a town that I’d repeatedly said that I didn’t want to live in for a good 14 years. Not only that, but I’d always said that if I did move here I wanted to live on the other side of the county from my father.
Here’s the sacrifice that I made, not only did I move to the town but my husband moved us into a house that four houses down the street from my dad. This is the man who at one point abused so badly they removed me from my parents’ home. Then my husband would come tell me horrible things that my dad would say, then “realize” he shouldn’t have told me. He actually told me that in order to overcome my negative feelings, I should spend more time with my dad. It eventually got to the point that my night terrors were horrible. By the time we moved, my girls knew to hide when my dad knocked on the door. By December of that year, my father and I were no longer speaking because my husband was tired of my dad. When my dad died last fall, I hadn’t talked to him for nine months. I do partially blame my husband for this, when I didn’t live in the same town my dad and I had a relationship.THAT’S THE SACRIFICE THAT I MADE, I’VE GOT NO RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENT (that’s still alive) AND MY DAD‘S DEAD!
Yes, I still want a D/s relationship….it’s not even a want, it’s what I need to feel complete. No, I cannot submit to him….I don’t trust him with my emotional well being, I don’t even like being in the same room as him. He’s mentioned wanting to have sex, I’m taking full advantage of my need to recuperate from my surgery in May. Recently, he has said several hurtful things…and I’ve realized that I’m no longer in love with him.
Unfortunately, I can’t make it financially without him & honestly, I don’t think he can make it financially on his own either. So, I can’t leave. But, I don’t know how I can fall back in love with him again. He won’t put in effort to make things better, and I am just plain tired. SO, IF ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE….DROP ME A LINE…I’ll read it, even though I think it’s already to late.