The Right to Love You

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I’m in love with a man that I have no right to love, but I can’t change the way that I feel. I’m legally separated and am getting divorced, and my husband & I are both (hopefully) moving on with our lives. The man that I love is married, and he is his wife’s caretaker. I know that she needs him, but it doesn’t make my love for him decrease. I’ve struggled this week with not being a “good” person; is it possible to be a good person, while having an affair?
If anyone had asked me that question ten years ago, I would have answered absolutely not! Unfortunately, the last five years has changed my opinion. I was a supportive wife, I even sacrificed what I knew was emotionally healthy in order to try and be supportive of my ex. Not only did I move to a town I swore I would never live in again, but I ended up down the street from my father, who was both physically and emotionally abusive as I grew up. My ex didn’t end up being happy with the job we moved here for, and took several different jobs over the last five years.
I spent the first three years after our move, trying to be encouraging. When my ex began to push all of us away (the kids & me), I got friends to babysit for the weekend, so that we could try and reconnect. Instead, we often ended up at a movie & then had obligatory sex, or sometimes just laid side by side reading. I would try & engage him in conversation, but it didn’t help. However, when I needed support and encouragement he wasn’t there. At one point, he tried to claim that he couldn’t pay attention when I spoke to him because he had dyslexia. Eventually, I sought attention elsewhere. I slept in the living room for over a year, before we finally got separate residences.
Now, I fast forward to the present & I’m very much in love. He makes me so happy, and I actually feel like I matter to him. He listens to and cares about the things that I have to say. He values my opinion, is supportive of me & cares about even the most mundane things in my life. Is it morally wrong for me to be with him? Is it wrong to love someone, even if they’re in a marriage that is no longer intimate? I no longer have an absolute answer to that question. I do know that even if I don’t have the right to love him, I do.

Surprise

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I had been feeling kinda down earlier this week, and was telling Daddy that I’d changed my mind about what I wanted for my birthday. I told him that I really would like a Hello Kitty stuffie…..Daddy told me that he could get a very special one for me. Shortly after that, my doorbell rang. When I got to the door there was a package & the mail truck was speeding away. I had ordered an item, but it wasn’t coming until the next day…I know because I had been tracking it, lol.

I went into my room and saw that the package was indeed for me. I couldn’t figure out what it could be, and there was no sender name, just a company. Imagine my surprise when I opened it & discovered the cutest Hello Kitty EVER!!!! Daddy had surprised me, lol. He told me it had been hard for him to keep the secret when we were talking earlier, but that he’d ordered it for me awhile ago. It’s amazing how Daddy knows what I need, sometimes.

Totally Stoked

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I’m behind on Nano because I haven’t even started writing yet, but I’m totally stoked. I had to drop out of graduate school earlier this year. I have Multiple Sclerosis & Fibromyalgia, between my divorce & wanting to make sure the transition went smoothly with my kids, and one of my bff’s suicide, I couldn’t handle grad school on top of that. Also, the program that I was enrolled in changed when I looked into going back.
I had been enrolled in a program that included instruction in graphic novel writing, but they had dropped the graphic novel portion of the program. I felt like there was really no point in trying to continue in the program when they had eliminated the portion I was interested in. Honestly, for a long time after Vanilla Bean’s death I didn’t even feel like writing anymore.
Recently, I’ve gotten the desire to write again. Now, I’m having writing ideas pop into my head in the middle of the night. Today, I found templates to help with story creation. I’M BACK. I AM GOING TO BE A WRITER AGAIN.I HAVE STORIES THAT NEED TO BE TOLD. I have overcome a lot in my life, and Vanilla Bean was a big part of that…I feel like writing is a way to honor his memory, and the love I feel for my “adopted” big brother.

Beads Glorious Beads

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Daddy started my anal training on Friday, and it was amazing!!!! OMG, who knew I would love it so much? It’s always been one of my biggest fantasies, partly because it would allow me to lose a virginity by choice. The other part is because it’s hot as hell & it sets my body on fire just thinking about it. Daddy told me to imagine him easing into me at the same time he whispers that he loves me, into my ear. I’ll just say it was an orgasm inspiring image ;).

Afterwards, we both had real life things to do….and i realized about an hour later, that I was feeling exposed & vulnerable. When Daddy & I talked about it, he asked what we should do differently. I thought about it, but there wasn’t really anything that he could do differently. I told I felt like he’d seen a piece of my soul, and it scared me. Thankfully, Daddy understands my issues & insecurities from my past. Daddy’s going to write me a message that I can read when I’m feeling insecure.

It turned out to be a good thing that I was having those feelings, I was able to channel those feelings when I was thinking about the piece I’m writing for NaNoWriMo. I came up with an idea that will allow me to write about the loss of my friend, and the new love that I found, but in a fictional way. Right now, I’m still working on character development & mapping out my story. I’m a little behind, but I didn’t decide to do NaNoWriMo until less than 12 hours before it started. I use my iPad to write & I bought an awesome manuscript writing app a few weeks ago, so I’m using that to justify the Hello Kitty case/keyboard that I bought…..it’s my first item from my ‘babygirl’ wish list on Amazon :)!

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NaNoWriMo

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I am participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing in a Month). I had originally planned on just writing about my teen years, but with my friend’s recent suicide I’m thinking about writing about that relationship to a more pivotal degree. There were times when we weren’t in contact over the years, but the love was always there. When he helped me get through my father’s death and my pain was at it’s worst, he used to tell me to get drunk & write all out. 

I didn’t know it until a few minutes ago, but I think that’s what I need to do…..

NaNoWriMo Roundup: Seasoned Authors Share their Secrets

The Daily Post

At the stroke of midnight tonight, aspiring writers everywhere will take a deep breath. One second later, their blank screens won’t be blank any longer — for quite a while.

November 1st marks the start of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). The annual fiction extravaganza will bring together more than 200,000 writers this year, first-timers and pros alike, each committed to hammer out 50,000 words of sparkling fiction over the course of the month.

Have you signed up but feeling queasy about taking the plunge? Are you still not sure if making the commitment is right for you? Here to give you expert advice are five veteran NaNo authors: they each leveraged their NaNoWriMo project into a published novel (some more than once!), and they all also happen to be active WordPress.com bloggers. You’re in good hands.

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Vulnerability

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Lately, because of situations in my past & a current issue, I’ve been feeling extremely vulnerable. Daddy has been there for me the whole way, I’m a really lucky babygirl. It scares me to love him, but I’ve come to the reality that I can’t stop my feelings. Lol, I tried that approach. I tried to distance my feelings, but Daddy saw right through that, too. It was weird, even though I don’t want to lose Daddy, I could see that I was trying to push him away. In the beginning, I actually thought it would be better to push him away than to admit I was scared shitless & feeling vulnerable.
Daddy told me that no matter what I’m stuck with him, until i say it’s not something that I want. It’s kind of nice to be able to admit that I have abandonment issues, but have someone who is willing to help me heal. When one of my best friend’s killed himself in July, it totally set my issues into overdrive. I can count the number of people who have loved me unconditionally on one hand, and I’d just lost one of them. The pain & loss were overwhelming in the beginning; I wasn’t sleeping, and one night I stayed up combing messages to try & figure out what I’d missed.
I’m doing better, and I think Daddy’s patience has a lot to do with it. Even he can tell that I’m making progress; I guess I’m starting to move into the acceptance phase of grieving. I know my friend’s not coming back, regardless of how much I miss him; I still love & miss him, and that’s okay. Talking to Daddy helped me not to feel so consumed by my sadness. I have to remind myself that I can’t allow fear to stop me from experiencing love & happiness….and beauty, because it was truly an amazing experience to see & hear Daddy cum. The way he called out my name & told me he loved me, is one of the most beautiful sites I’ve ever experienced…I look forward to doing it more ****blushing****

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